Spring

What started out at a dreary morning…..became a rainy and cold morning…but that did not dampen the spirits of our girls, their families or their running buddies!!! Friends, family and supporters braved the elements to run with and cheer on our girls. 
The alarm did not go off. I woke up with only 20 minutes to get dressed and get my helpers moving. Within 30 minutes we were in the car, getting gas and coffee and heading to Grant Park. Texts were coming in from my coaches and I was dictating responses to my daughter while driving. 
We arrived and parked then headed to the site flag. We were only there a short time before the girls arrived….and the rain soon after them. It was a morning of  few sprinkles, a downpour or 2, and a great deal of smiles! 
Every girl had a running buddy thanks to support from Girls on the Run and teachers from our school. The best part?  Every girl finished!  
It was a great morning filled with lots of high fives and smiles (and rain soaked tutus!) that filled my one super shiny, glittery, sparkly bursting with love heart.
forward is a pace. peace.
#tutulady

Impetus

I never considered myself an inspirational impetus but my amazing friend has changed that by asking me to share my story in order to empower other women. Sharing my story has been a very scary yet liberating part of my painful journey. It has not been easy to open up and share the “ugly” parts of my life but I feel that if, in doing so, other women can find strength and courage then it is all worth it. 
The other women whose stories are also on the Blessons page are just as amazing and inspirational. 
Please read, share, make a donation and/or apply for a scholarship!
Click here to visit the Blessons page, and read about all the inspirational women as well as the remainder of my story. Below is only part of my story……


I am a single mom to 5 children, a teacher and coach.
I grew up in the suburbs with a pretty “normal” life. 2 parents and one younger brother. Both my parents worked….my dad as a lawyer in town and my mom as a teacher in the next town over.
I left home to go to college attending St. Mary-of-the-Woods College in Indiana which was, at the time, an all women’s college. 4 years and I was done. I was not an A student like I could/should have been and did not take advantage of opportunities the school had to offer until my junior year….something I regret.
I got a job as a part time teacher upon graduation. I wanted to live in the city so I moved to Lincoln Park (the only place my parents thought was safe) and took a job working for a small graphic arts firm. I eventually left that job to go back to teaching. I taught in the UIC area for several years then met and married a man. After a few years of commuting, I had a daughter thus, I chose to take a teaching job closer to our home. A second,  third and then FOURTH(!) child meant looking for a larger home and with that, a change to another school closer to home. Somewhere in there, my stepdaughter (goodness I hate the term step!) chose to become a part of our family. Thus, I became a mom of 5!
It took the change in my life for me to decide I needed to leave the school where I had been teaching for 14 years, and reignite my passion for teaching.
I am currently teaching at a charter school in the North Austin area of the city and I love it. It is HARD work every day with challenging students but the rewards are endless. I truly feel, once again, that I am making a difference in the lives of the young people I teach.
I went right to college after high school which was expected. I graduated in 4 years as was expected. I lived in the dorm and was only a few hours from home if I needed to visit my family. I do regret not getting an advanced degree. I do not have the funds nor the time now to do it. When I had the time and money, it was discouraged.
“Blessons” – I love that word. I have had many from being assaulted and hospitalized to anxiety and depression. The biggest Blesson I would have to say is my “in process” divorce. I was married for over 20 years to an emotionally and financially abusive man. I stayed “for the kids” and….if we are being honest, because I didn’t know it was abuse.

Tribe

 “I learned that people have three basic needs – To be seen, to be heard and to know they are loved.”
Molly Barker

My friend, Molly, is an amazing woman. Each day I look to her for courage, advice and wisdom. She never fails to inspire me to be a better human. She is such an important part of the tribe of women I am blessed to call my friends. My tribe sees, hears and loves me in so many ways that make me stronger every day. 

I think in my heart I have always known this but somehow forgot.  I think that I somehow have always wanted to make people feel that they matter but somehow lost focus. I think it is all I have ever wanted and didn’t know it. 
I have longed to be seen. I have become bigger and  larger than life to take up space and force people to take notice. I have done things I am not proud of to get attention. I have gotten louder in order to be heard. I have lost myself, compromising my values and myself in order to be loved. 
It took a major life change to force me to face reality. Looking back, and with the help of therapy and friends, I realized that I have given others what I so desired. I have treated others to being seen and heard and loved but forgot about myself and those closest to me. As I lost myself into a rabbit hole of giving to others, I had nothing left for those that needed it most. I covered up my own needs with excuses. My own needs and the needs of my kids got sucked into a vacuum of pleasing other people. I gave everything I had in search of what I had right in front of me. My children needed me to see them and I needed them to see me…the real me. My children needed to be heard and I needed not only to listen and to hear them but they needed to listen and hear me as well. My children needed my unconditional love and I sooo needed the same from them. I needed to peel back the layers, toss off the cloak of secrecy and get real. 
It has been messy….so, so messy. I am not talking a few grass stains in the knees messy. I am talking “covered in mud, wresting with pigs and the pigs winning” messy. It is still messy and will be for a long time but anytime life gets real….it seems to get messy. 
The kids and I love to cook together. Everyone has a specialty in the kitchen and the food tastes amazing when complete but cooking is messy so the kitchen becomes a disaster in the process. Life is like that too. Growth and change are messy but the end result is beautiful and sooo worth the effort. Our lives are going to be messy for a while but we are in the process of cleaning it up…and as we work together we are seeing each other. We are listening to each other. We are loving each other in a way we never thought possible.  It is perfect? Hell no!  I have teenagers. No more cute pictures on social media of faces covered in food. No more posts about behavior that makes other moms nod but kids cringe. My kids are also seeing the real person that is their mom….the human being….who is messy too. 
I am learning to see, to listen  and to love my children, myself and others in new ways and it is an amazing journey. Would I wish this journey on any one else? FUCK NO! It has been Hell on Earth. There have been times that I wanted to run….far away and never look back.  Thanks to my friends that did not happen. They saw me. They heard me and they loved me. All the parts of me…the good, the bad and the messy me. My friends knew just what I needed and when, They have gotten messy with me on this journey of love. They have allowed me to find my way back to my heart. 
It is a debt I can never repay but will pay forward until my last breath. 
Thank you to my tribe.
Forward is a pace.
Peace.

Wings

As I sit in the auditorium of a high school, I look around. I see the faces of other anxious parents waiting….waiting for their children. We are all nervous. These hours spent waiting are not nearly as difficult as the hours of preparation our children have done. Waiting is not nearly as nerve wracking as performing in front of strangers who will determine their future.
Our children have prepared all their young lives to perform for these auditions that will determine if they are admitted into this special school or not. It is make or break. No second chances.
We can no longer hold their hand or cue a line or check a note of a song. We now must wait in the wings as they take the stage alone. Break a leg, kids…..your parents will be waiting to give you a standing ovation.
#forwardisapace
Peace.

14

Today begins the 14 days of love challenge. For the next 14 days I will leave a note for each of my kids with “I love you because…”  . with a different reason each day. (along with a chocolate kiss) It gets more difficult as the days progress as I try to find reasons they don’t think I see. 
Try it with the people you love. Challenge yourself.
#forwardisapace
Peace.