“In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.” ― Albert Schweitzer

and then it hit me….like a ton of bricks….the signs had been there all along but it was a sign in a yard that was the one that cracked open my heart and let the light in. It was a sign that read “Divorce Sale.”

A woman in my neighborhood was having a divorce sale and getting rid of things. I stopped and chatted for a minute and then it dawned on me why I was so frustrated and angry……training….proving…the stress and anxiety of training…the desire to prove something by running the marathon….that was IT! 

June is Pride month. It took me weeks to process all that happened. I have spent weeks composing posts in my head, starting posts and then abandoning them because I felt like they were inadequate.

I am a planner. I like things in order. I like to know what is going to happen next. My life….and God…well they have other plans for me. Life and God like to throw me curveballs. They like to keep me on my toes.
After parent teacher conferences Thursday, our admin told us that our professional development day for Friday had been canceled. We were all to enjoy a day off!  My initial reactions was YEA!  Day off!  Then my anxiety brain took over….What am I going to do? What needs to get done? I did not make plans or appointments. I do not have a list of things to do. ACK!
So I took a deep breath and decided to embrace the unexpected. This is not something I am comfortable with at all. I told myself that I was doing nothing that did not make me happy on Friday.
I woke up with nothing planned…..it was the strangest feeling. I got dressed to run, took the kids to the train and had some coffee. I had decided to go for a run and maybe some yoga.
I have not run nor gone to yoga in months. I have been a lump. I have made excuses. Today was no different. I was making excuses….and needed to be stronger than my best excuse.
My run was not easy. Matter of fact it was downright difficult. I pushed through just over 4 miles!  Longest run in a long time!
I was feeling so good! Mid Morning hot yoga class was calling my name and when I saw my favorite teacher, I knew I was in the right spot….those unexpected curballs from God and Life…..I was hitting them out of the park today!
Yoga meditation was about Santosha – contentment. to practice being in the moment. to remain grounded. turning into yourself. digging down into your inner peace. It was EXACTLY what I needed…that and a good sweat!
I have not been this good to myself in a long while. I have not practiced self care like I preach to others. Today I was forced by ME…to take time for ME. I forgot that I am important. I forgot so many things….

I forgot that my dog needs his harness to run with me but remembered he loves and needs to run with me.
I forgot my running route and got lost but remembered that I always find my way home.
I forgot that the hardest part of any run is getting out the door but remembered that once I get started I could run forever.

I have a deep and abiding faith in God. I always have. Heck, I went to a Catholic grade school and a Catholic college. When I started teaching, I went right to the Catholic schools for a job. I remained a teacher in the Catholic school system for almost 30 years.
I have always had my ‘issues’ with my religion but when I went to college, I was taught by nuns who encouraged me to not only embrace those issues but explore other areas of my faith as well. I was challenged to explain why I disagreed with some of the practices of the church. I was encouraged to explore areas of social justice. I was prodded to deepen my relationship with my faith in God….beyond the constraints of the Catholic religion.  The experience of those 4 years opened my eyes to a world beyond the walls of the ‘church’. I realized that my faith was not the same as my religion.
After graduation, I started my teaching career in what I thought was the safest place possible, the Catholic church and school system. Over the years, I continued to practice my religion, going to church each week, teaching the religion to my students, saying the prayers I grew up memorizing. But in my heart of hearts, I still had the same issues with my religion.
Year after year, I taught the Catholic religion to my students, and eventually my own children. I loved the security and stability the Church provided even if I disagreed with some of Its teachings.
For years the term Cafeteria Catholic bothered me as did the term ChriEaster. Cafeteria Catholics are ones that pick and choose what they want to believe from the religion and leave the rest. Chri-Easters are folks that only go to Mass on Christmas and Easter. But since I no longer teach at a Catholic school, I have become both. I have not been to Mass in many months. I pray but Mass? Nope….
Today I went to a local church to hear a man speak about his devotion to Mary.  It was a true God-incident as I didn’t really want to go and have not been to church in a long time. His testimony was amazing and powerful. Kevin Matthews was a morning radio DJ “back in the day”. I grew up listening to Kevin and all the many characters he created. After college, I worked with people who knew Kev and went to many of his events…”proms”, golf outings, parties, etc. He was the “cool kid” everyone wanted to be around…..and he was funny as hell. I was a true ‘Kev-Head’
I have always felt a deep connection to the Mother Mary. Praying the rosary gives me peace and I like to collect different rosaries from all over the world. I used to make rosaries with my students and pray a living rosary with them. May Crowning is still one of my favorite church traditions.  I always felt that Mary, as another mother, understood my struggles. Listening to Kevin speak only strengthened that conviction.  I realized that I am still devoted to my faith and to Mary.
I took the opportunity while in church to pray. I prayed about my life. Divorce is something the Catholic Church does not condone. Homosexuality is also something the Catholic Church does not condone. I am divorced. My son is gay.
So today I prayed to my Mother Mary. I asked her for peace. Being that Mary was an unwed teenage mother, if she were one of my ‘besties,’ I like to believe that she would have advised me to do what I have done in leaving my marriage. She doesn’t seem the type to excuse abuse. Forgive? Yes. But allow? I don’t think so. I also believe if Mary had a gay child, she would love him/her, accept him/her and encourage others, especially the Church, to do the same. God created all of us in His image so He is my son and my son is Him.
Kevin said during his talk, “If you hold the Rosary, you hold the hand of Mary. If you hold the hand of Mary, you hold the hand of God.” I embrace the Rosary and Mary.
God created all of us. God makes no mistakes. God created my son to love who he loves. God knows I was faithful to my marriage. God has a plan for my son. for me…for all my children and for all of us. I have Mary as my guide and I have faith. A faith not contained by 4 walls but by the air and soil and sea
and sky.
Faith is trusting in God’s plan. I may not understand the plan or like it but I have faith.
I have faith and love….and Mary.
Peace –
#forwardisapace
#tutulady

We’re all born naked and the rest is drag. 
 – RuPaul

My son was born 15 years ago…naked. This year we celebrated his birthday in the best way possible….at a Drag show. One of his sisters suggested it and, while I was a tad bit hesitant at first, I realized that this would be one of the greatest gifts I could give my boy.
I have known who my son is from the moment he was born. I have watched and waited for him to realize it himself. When he finally come out, it was as like the scene in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy enters technicolor from black and white. The world become filled with color and we could all finally exhale.  I wrote about more about that experience HERE.
The past 2 years, watching him navigate the new, open world around him have been amazing. Attending a school like ChiArts, that celebrates not tolerates him, has changed him for the better. He is as comfortable as a teenage boy can be at this stage of his life. His flair for the dramatic has not only been encouraged but appreciated and strengthened. His school days are long (8-5…yes, all class time) with added time for the commute but he rarely complains.
So when his sister suggested that we go to a show, I said yes. While I admit I was a bit hesitant, once I thought about it, I knew I had to make it happen. I mean he got me started watching RuPauls’ Drag Race with him! I have been with him every step of this journey so I was not missing this this one.
My boy spent the whole day getting ready…..picking out clothing and “looks.” He did his nails and fixed his hair.
The kids had chosen Hamburger Mary’s “Dining with Divas”. We tried for early reservations but they were booked so we had the late show. When I made the reservation, I told them it was my son’s 15th birthday and first drag show. I was assured they would make him feel special. It was a snowy night and I would rather have stayed home but we went out…..and boy, was it worth it!
The moment we walked in, my son’s head was on a swivel, taking in all the sights and sounds of the place. I could see and feel him soaking up every little detail. It seemed like the whole staff knew it was his birthday! We were seated at our table, ordered and then the show began. The first performer, and MC for the night, was Angel. The moment he started performing, I looked at my son and …well…. I am rarely at a loss for words. I saw in his eyes something I had never seen before…..it was a mix of awe, amazement, acceptance, excitement, and love. I watched my boy more than the performers, my heart overflowing with emotion. This was a night, an experience, I will never forget…and neither will my son(or his 2 sisters).
At one point my son was even called on stage to honor his birthday and given a Hershey bar (other guests with birthdays got a shot!) which he has still not eaten. Seeing him on that stage….I knew God was giving me a glimpse at the future.
Later in the night, I took time to personally thank the performers, especially Angel. Other artists there, though not in costume or performing, were also supportive and welcoming to my son. Not only did they all take time to make my son feel special, they are special in and of themselves.   I read a quote once by BeBe Zahara Benet,  “Drag artists are more men than real men. You need a lot of courage, personality, and guts to go out there. Even if you look good or you look bad, you still need to have all of those things to be on stage. You’re going to get criticized by everyone.” These female impersonators take time and effort not only to hone their performance but  perfect the makeup and costumes as well. They have the courage, guts and personality to perform night after night knowing that they may face more criticism than that of other, more “conventional,” performers.
My son.
He is amazing.
He is brave and courageous.

forward is a pace
Peace.