Tag: mom

Shame

Kristine Binder

Shame lives in the shadows. Shame thrives on secrets. Shame is that still small voice that whispers to us we are not worthy, we don’t belong and we don’t deserve love.
Shame and guilt go hand in hand. Guilt keeps us stuck in the past. Shame tells us, “I am bad.” Guilt tells us, ” I did something bad.” When we give voice to shame we reduce its power over us. When we give voice to guilt, we can accept responsibility, apologize, and move forward.
Over the past year, my kids have been sharing memories with me. These are not fun filled, sunshine and roses memories. These are uncomfortable, vulnerable memories that are shared with caution. At first, my kids tread lightly, testing the waters, careful to protect my feelings. More recently, the stories are more painful. They are vivid, detailed stories filled with emotion. Some are stories of events I don’t remember or have blocked out.
A few weeks ago, one of my kids started sharing a memory of a trip to a restaurant years ago, and like on cue, her sister began to insert details she remembered. Together, like a tennis match, words going back and forth, they shared pain of a day I did not remember. However, the minute they started talking, it was as if a TV had turned on in my brain and it all came flooding back to me. I could see it all happening in “real” time. I sat there with the color draining from my face. The guilt and shame I felt was visible and palpable. I had trouble catching my breath. I inhaled and said, “tell me more….” Yes, I wanted to know more. I wanted them to give voice to the pain. I wanted it to spill out all over the table.
What I have found it that when we give voice to these painful memories, we can let them go. It is not about placing blame but about accepting responsibility. Listening to my children share their pain of the past, allows them to release it. It also allows me to apologize and accept responsibility for for not being the mom they needed or deserved as youngsters. Together, we can release the guilt and shame of the past in order to move forward.
I know that my kids, now young adults, are more comfortable sharing these memories with me because I am stronger and more at peace. Is it fun to hear these stories my kids share? No, but it is vital to our healing. Together, we are becoming closer, developing deeper, more meaningful adult relationships because they are willing to be vulnerable and I am willing to listen without judgement.
Shame and guilt can not survive in the light. So open the curtains and let the light in. Live in the sunlight of belonging and acceptance. Live in the light of unconditional love and peace.
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace


Fine

Kristine Binder

Yes, those are scars from when a trash can full of sandbags fell on my leg, but that is another story for another day.

“Um….are you ok?”
“Yes….thanks….I’m fine”
That is how the conversation with a the harbormaster went that afternoon.
“Mom….are you ok…..”
“Yes, honey…..I’m fine…..”
That was how the conversation with my 11 year old son went later than day.
“Is there anything else I can do for you? Are you ok?”
“I’m fine thanks….”
That is how the conversation went with the waitress later that evening.
I was fine….really I was sooooo fine.
I had been fine for over 20 years. Just fine. However, on that day….6 years ago, I decided that I didn’t want to be “fine” anymore. I deserved better and so did my kids.
That day was the first time that he screamed at me in public, called me stupid, worthless and a dumb bitch, because I could not back up the jet ski trailer next to the dock. Have you ever tried to backup an old school Suburban with a ‘rack’ (trailer) attached into the water….and you can’t SEE the rack? Yea…..easier to thread a needle on a rollercoaster! I was doing my best but it was not good enough, nor fast enough. Every one of the 4 docks was filled with people and he was screaming at me…..in front of them all….but more importantly, in front of our son. He had berated, teased and yelled at me for years but this was the first time around people other than our family and if I could have crawled deep into a hole, I would have. I was mortified.
The harbor master came to see if we ….I …..needed help. I was fine.
While my wasband secured the jet ski that was finally out of the water, my son sheepishly asked if I was ok. I was fine.
We went to dinner before heading home. After the wasband threw a fit because we could not sit in the bar area due to the fact that our son was under 21, we sat down and ordered. Nothing was good enough and the server steered clear of our table. When she brought the check, she looked me right in the eyes and asked if I was ok. I was fine.
But I was soooo far from fine. I was done.
I was done but I was not strong enough to really be done. That would take several more months….ok several years. I knew something was going on and I needed to figure out if it was me or him.
6 years, a messy divorce, and LOTS of therapy later, here I am. It is not lost on me that the photo above came up on my timehop yesterday….the same day that I became a Certified Professional Life Coach. So much have changed in those 6 years. I am now a badass at boundaries, I am stronger than I ever dreamed possible, and I am so much better than FINE.
My goal has always been to help others, especially women, live their best life….no one should live the life I lived. No one should be abused. No one should be treated as “less than.” No one should ever be just “fine.”
Are you “fine”? Do you want more for yourself and your life than ‘fine’? You deserve better! You deserve to live the life of your dreams! Reach out and connect. I am here to help.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Release

Kristine Binder

Parenting….it is not easy at any age. It is certainly not for sissies, that’s for sure. I honestly thought it would get easier but I was so wrong.
When you become a parent, each kid comes with the ball of clay that I call the “problem ball”. When they are infants and toddlers that ball forms the shape of hunger, dirty diapers and helplessness. As kids age, the “problem ball” stays the same size, it just changes shape. Frustration, seeking independence, bullies, friends, school……they all take turns shaping that “problem ball” but it never gets bigger or smaller.
Kids become teenagers and teenagers become young adults….all the while reshaping that “problem ball” and all the while that ball remains the same size….it just nevers gets smaller or goes away.
When our kids are born, we parents have hopes and dream for them….but what we begin to realize is that those are OUR hopes and dream NOT theirs. They may or may not even know they have their own! As our kids get older, they may slip and fall. They might make mistakes…….ok honestly…mistakes are a given! And while we feel the need to constantly protect them, we can’t. At some point we need to let go. We need to release them into the world. We need to allow them the space to make those mistakes and fall…..just like we did when they were learning to walk. We need to allow them to learn from those missteps and be a safe, nonjudgmental place to recover from the fall. This is often difficult because we feel the need to protect our kids. But are we protecting them or handicapping them? Are we creating a generation of kids who are insecure of their own abilities because they have never been given them opportunity to recover on their own from a mistake? Are we forcing our kids down the ‘high school/college/grad school/marriage/kids” path because WE think it is right for them or it is because it is what they want? Do they know what they want? Are we smothering them into constant dependency? Are we more concerned with our kids liking us/being our friends or helping them become adults?
I often say I feel guilty for not doing more to protect my children from the abuse in our home. When I voice these feelings to them, they reassure that I did the best I could with what I had at the time and now I do better. They are stronger humans than I could ever have imagined. The path each has taken is not what I hoped and dreamed for any of them but it is they path each has taken on their own. They have created their future. I have created a nest for each of them to return to when they are ready, they want it or they need it….no questions asked.
As a mom, I feel blessed that they grant me grace and allow me to be a passenger on their journey of life, but mostly, my heart swells with pride for each one of them as they are good humans.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace