Clarity

“Because the truth is, even when divorce is literally the best thing, when it gives you back to yourself, when it returns you to your highest space and delivers you to the second half of your life, whole and healthy and good…..even then, divorce is traumatizing. It just tears some things apart that we’ve spent our adult life building and putting together. And it affects so many people.”
“You’re struggling in any way in your marriage, whether you’re admitting it or not, is a profound loneliness.”
“I created a version of our marriage in my own mind and convinced myself it was enough.”
This podcast episode is everything!
Like Jen Hatmaker, I chose my steady stable marriage over what was true. I was a master shapeshifter, human spotlight and clean up crew for over 20 years and even after I was divorced. The shame too much for me to bear. I made myself smaller and smaller until I didn’t recognize myself. Over time, my people pulled away and I could not understand why. It was not until years into my divorce process that my people had the courage to tell me they pulled back because they didn’t know me anymore and had no clue how to help me. I don’t fault them. Back then, I didn’t know how to help myself either and I would not have had the bandwidth to accept the truth and the help.
I’ve said before that women don’t like to talk about the difficulties in marriage, however Jen breaks down the reasons (and the shame that surrounds it all) so eloquently. She also gives voice to the power of connection. When we are vulnerable, honest and true to ourselves, we allow others to connect and share space with us in a nonjudgmental way.
It has taken me years, lots of therapy and work on myself to find my way through this dark tunnel but the light I have found on the other side is so bright and beautiful!
Listen to the whole episode here!
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

2s-day

Today is 2-22-22.
It is such a magical number and an even more magical day!
It falls on a Tuesday!
It is a palindrome date (same backwards and forwards).
And I am the #tutulady!
The number 2 is an angel number (Angel numbers are recurring sequences of numbers that have spiritual significance, according to numerology). The number 2 represents balance in nature as all life is about balance. The number 2 also represents opposites such as left and right and up and down. When we are balanced, we are in harmony with life. Seeing the number 2 repeating is a gentle reminder that I need to work on balancing some aspects of my life. I mean wearing a tutu and running/dancing is all about balance!
The number 2 is the most feminine of all the numbers, and its vibration resonates with the vibration of joy, balance and peace. It relates to the desire for love, health, harmony and happiness within all relationships. People who see this number regularly are authentic, artistic, creative, tolerant, emotional, highly sensitive, loyal, devoted and intuitive.
2-2 is my angel number. I see the number 2 a great deal. I need things in pairs or even numbers in my home and in my life because I crave balance. Anyone who knows me knows I surrounds myself with the word peace and symbols of peace! And joy? Have you met me? I live my life from a place of constant joy!!!
This special 2-22-22 Tuesday is one that will not appear again for a long time, thus we need to make the most of it! As it is a day of balance, peace, and joy, let’s make the most of it!
Make a list of 22 things that bring you joy! The items on the list can be grand or minuscule….just put them on the list! They will be powerful reminders to look for joy today and every day.
Then make a second list of 22 people that bring you joy. Take a moment today to reach out to each one of those people with an email/call/text and thank them for bringing you joy!
Let’s celebrate the number 2-22-22 today by sharing peace and JOY!
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Grace

Grace. Giving grace to others is about showing kindness even when it is not always deserved.  To me, grace is going out of my way to show compassion, kindness and love to someone even if they might not appreciate it, or return the favor. It is choosing to do the right thing even when someone may have hurt me in the past or might even hate the sight of me. Giving grace to others means I take the high road.
That high road is long, lonely and exhausting. Doing the right thing, giving grace, is not always my first instinct nor is it always easy. It is often difficult and painful. But in the end, I know that it is the right thing to do.
These past few years I have done what I thought was the right thing over and over again. I have witnessed my children in deep pain in many different ways. I have soaked it all up like a sponge. I have slapped on a smile and kept my mouth closed all while absorbing their pain. They each lash out and emote in different ways. I see and feel their pain like only a mom can. My momma heart knows that I am the ‘safe’ one. They know that my love is stable and unwavering, that I am not going anywhere. So they emotionally vomit all over me and I just clean it all up. I continually offer them grace.
I want things to be easier for my children. I want to take away all the pain and make things easier for them. I want to feel all the hard feelings for them so them don’t have to experience any of it. But I can’t. I know that ‘you have to feel it to heal it.’ So I offer them grace.
The same it true for my friends. I see and feel their pain too. I absorb it all. I am an emotional sponge. And I offer everyone grace.
I am terrified to let any one down, scared to disappoint anyone. It seems that no matter what I do, not matter how hard I try, it is never really enough. Doing the right thing, taking the high road, supporting everyone, is exhausting and I am so very tired. I keep trying to balance all the spinning plates, but can’t stop some from stopping, falling, breaking. There is little to no grace left.
After it is all said and done, at the end of each day, I become so overwhelmed with trying to fix things and protect people that I lose myself in the process. I struggle to find myself in it all and find my center. I struggle to find a piece of that grace I so willingly and generously offer to others.
So what then? Well, I grab the little scrap of grace that is left and hold on for dear life. I cling to what remains like a drowning person. A person drowning in an ocean of tears and feelings. A person who is struggling to stay afloat. I remain in that space, floating, until I can regain my composure, find my footing and begin again.
Give yourself some grace before there is none left for you. Allow yourself to float for a minute…or more. Because when you offer yourself grace, it is so much easier to offer it to others.
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Numb

Death. 
Grief. 
Sadness. 
Loss. 
Numbness.
This week three people close to me passed away.
All were sudden and two were young…in the prime of life. 
And I have not cried. 
Not one single tear has escaped my eyes. 
I am numb. 
My heart aches for the families of these people and I want to take away their pain.  But my only real feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for surviving. I feel guilty for my blessings. I feel so horribly guilty for not feeling anything else at all. 
I just don’t know what to feel or how to feel it. I am so afraid to allow myself to really grieve. I am afraid that once I open that door, I will not be able to close it. I am scared that if I feel anything, it will overwhelm me. I have been in that place of all consuming grief before and almost did not make it out. I am so terrified that if I allow myself to go down that rabbit hole again, this time I will not make it out alive. And for that I feel more guilt. 
So I wonder if my numbness is my soul protecting itself. I wonder if my numbness is my heart closing ranks and saying, “Not now. It’s too heavy for you to carry.” I wonder if my head got all those messages and has shut down the circuits so as not to cause a complete system failure. 
Perhaps someday I will  feel safe enough to feel all the feelings. But, for now,  I will carry on through each day, meeting expectations and helping others with their grief while I remain numb. 
For now I will be grateful for the mercy of numbness. 
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace