This week three people close to me passed away.
All were sudden and two were young…in the prime of life. 
And I have not cried. 
Not one single tear has escaped my eyes. 
I am numb. 
My heart aches for the families of these people and I want to take away their pain.  But my only real feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for surviving. I feel guilty for my blessings. I feel so horribly guilty for not feeling anything else at all. 
I just don’t know what to feel or how to feel it. I am so afraid to allow myself to really grieve. I am afraid that once I open that door, I will not be able to close it. I am scared that if I feel anything, it will overwhelm me. I have been in that place of all consuming grief before and almost did not make it out. I am so terrified that if I allow myself to go down that rabbit hole again, this time I will not make it out alive. And for that I feel more guilt. 
So I wonder if my numbness is my soul protecting itself. I wonder if my numbness is my heart closing ranks and saying, “Not now. It’s too heavy for you to carry.” I wonder if my head got all those messages and has shut down the circuits so as not to cause a complete system failure. 
Perhaps someday I will  feel safe enough to feel all the feelings. But, for now,  I will carry on through each day, meeting expectations and helping others with their grief while I remain numb. 
For now I will be grateful for the mercy of numbness. 


I took some time recently to look at old photos. I was reminded of so many people I have loved and lost. Not one was a perfect person but they were good souls who helped me grow into the woman I am now. I miss them deeply. Family and friends that have left the planet….some too soon as they were so young.
I wonder why they had to go. My faith tells me that they must have fulfilled their purpose but my heart longs for more time with each. I am often angry that they are gone and I am left to explain the loss to others and myself. I am left with a hole in my heart where they used to be. I am left with words unsaid and advice unheard. I ride the waves of grief years later wondering what if…..
I also wonder why…why them? Why is it is good ones? The ones that are loved so deeply? Why do they leave this world and we are left with others who cause pain and anguish? What is the lesson here? Is it me that has lessons to learn or have these others on the planet been given more time to change before having to face their maker?
To those men who I have loved and lost, you will always be missed and never be forgotten. Your legacy will live on.
To the women who have taught me so many important lessons before leaving me…. I love you and I miss you. I long for one last long conversation with you. I promise to carry your legacy or strength. I promise to always make you proud. Your legacy will live on.
Who do you miss? Who have you loved and lost? What is the best memory you have of that person? What is the most important lesson they taught you?