Tag: memories

Timehop

Kristine Binder

I have a love/hate relationship with Timehop and the daily memories it shows me.
I hate it because it reminds me of memories I would rather forget but I love it because it reminds me of all the good times and, more importantly, how far I have come.
Today, today was one of those not so great memory days. It is funny because yesterday something triggered this memory. I scrolled Timehop today to see the photos of that day and it all came flooding back….like watching a rerun of an old TV show I had seen a million times.
It was a Tuesday. My girls were already in school and we had to take a drive to take the jet ski out of the water near my parents home as it was the end of the season. My wasband, young son and I loaded up and drove out there. We spent the day on the beach and I took one last ride on the jet ski to end the season.
As was the routine, I walked up, got in our truck and headed to the boat slip while my wasband drove the jetski to meet me there. It was already an odd day and we had not spoken much but I no clue what was coming.
I pulled up and waited for him. When he arrived, I started to back the trailer up as I was instructed. I don’t know if y’all are aware of how difficult it is to back up a boat trailer while driving a full size suburban when you can not see said trailer. It was as if someone flipped a switch on the wasband. He started screaming, yelling, cussing and berating me. To be honest, this was not new but this was the first time in public. Other boaters and the harbor master just stood there. After a few minutes the harbor master walked over and calmly asked my wasband if he needed any help. He told him no and brushed him off. The HM then walked past the front of the truck, looked at me and mouthed,
“You ok?” I nodded. All the while, my son is laying on the floor of the back seat trying to hide.
Could the wasband jumped in the truck and backed it up himself? Yup…..but he didn’t.
Once the jet ski was out of the water, he complained that there was not a dry/unsandy towel for him to dry off…..
I suggested that we go eat something thinking he was hungry. We went to a local Brewery and when we were not allowed to sit at the bar because our son was with us? Well, the hostess was well aware of his displeasure. I took my son to the rest room and was again, asked by a stranger (the hostess) if I was ok. I said yes and made excuses.
We drove home in silence for over an hour until I apologized for suggesting the trip and not backing up correctly.
I knew something was wrong that day. I knew my marriage was in trouble. What I didn’t know was that it was not my fault. My wasband was already having an affair at that point. It would be a few months before I would have face that reality.
That was 7 years ago. The jet ski was parked in the garage that day and never used again. It was sold 5 years later after we were divorced. The battle and sale of the jet ski is another story for another day.
Back to my love/hate with Timehop. I was determined to create a new memory for today. So I took one long look at that old picture and it clicked. I needed to go to the water. I packed up my bike and headed to the lakefront. I rode for 20 miles along the Lakefront, taking in the beauty of the city and all the while releasing that woman that I was on that day(and other days like it). I repeated over and over, “You have come so far. There is peace in your solitude. There is happiness in your heart.”
I stopped on the ride back and looked out over the choppy lake water. I realized that I had weathered the storms that were meant to sink me. I had learned to keep my head above water, swim and eventually surf all the waves of emotion. I took a beep breath and forgave myself for that day. I made a promise to myself that I would never again lose my sense of direction again. I promised myself that I help other women like me find themselves again. I promised to love myself again.
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Bikini

Kristine Binder

Today is National Bikini Day! Did you know that? I did not! It popped up on my calendar and got me to thinking……thinking about women and bathing suits.
This past weekend I went to a pool party. I was nervous as I did not know many people and was unsure what bathing suit to wear. I brought a few options, both 2 piece because my only other suit is a one piece that I wear to swim laps.
I put on my bikini and went in the pool….a little nervous. There were about 6 other women there(all over 40)….and all got in the pool. All had on all sorts of bathing suits but what was amazing was that all of the women complemented each other on each other’s swimwear and all seemed comfortable in the water. This was a first for me.
I have never been comfortable in swimwear. I have worn bikinis, tankinis and one pieces but I have never liked the way I look in any of them. I know that this started at a young age. I found an old photo from when I was 17 the summer before senior year. I was covered from head to toe…long sleeve shirt and large beach towel wrapped around my lower half. At first glance one would think it was cold on the beach…nope. The others in the photo (that I cut out!) are all in skimpy 80’s bikinis, short shorts and tank tops. I hated my body and always thought I was fat. I mean I was bigger than most girls but I was not the wafer thin image of beauty of that time.
I gained and lost weight my whole life. I was never confident in my figure and constantly compared myself to others standard of beauty. I looked to others (usually men) for validation that I was pretty.
Fast forward 17 years. I was a 34 year old mom to 3 girls under the age of 6. I was not happy that someone took a photo of me and remember being very upset once I saw it….and saw how large I was. I mean I knew I was big and I was not comfortable wearing a bathing suit at the beach. The photo just made it worse.
At 46, I wrote about my body and the envy of younger women here
Today I went for a bike ride and then chose to read near the lake. I asked a few passing teens to take a photo of me in my bikini. It was uncomfortable to ask but I pushed past those feelings and listened as they coached me on how to pose. I explained to the girls that I am usually the one behind the camera as a mom. One said that her mom “is like you ….ya know….in her 30’s …..and always says the same thing…..” I said well, “I am 55 so…….” They were stunned!
I really just wanted the photos for me and waited until I got home to look at them. Then I got to thinking…..I am at a point in my life that I really have no fucks left to give. Why not be proud to wear a 2 piece? Why not be proud of this body? Do my arms jiggle? Yup! Do my thighs rub together? Yup! Do I have a fupah/pooch/belly? Yup! Who cares? I have carried and fed 4 babies with this body. I have run countless miles and finished 9 marathons. I have peddled enough miles to circle the world more times than I can count. I have enjoyed many good meals and some fast food too (yuck!). It is time I loved this vessel that carries me though the world.
Looking back I would have told that 17 year old to let it go. That not every one is going to like you or your body. Loving yourself is going to get you further in life than the self hate that will lead to many toxic relationships. I would tell that 34 year old momma to stop and take a breath. Those babies love your lap and love to snuggle you. They are watching how you act and listening to how you speak about your body. Teach them to love themselves as they are. 55 year old me is going to love on the woman in the mirror more. She is going to continue to enjoy good food and a good workout, and she is going to wear more bikinis!
Eat the food.
Take a walk.
Run/Ride the miles
Soak up the sun (and wear sunscreen!)
Wear whatever makes you feel like a badass!
Love that person staring back at you from the mirror!
You Are Beautiful!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Images

Kristine Binder

Visual representations of times, places, people. Images can be real, imagined or manufactured. Images capture a single moment in time but not the context. While we spend time looking sometimes enviously at others photos of holiday and other family celebrations, we know not the daily struggles behind those smiles. Every picture tells a story. Sometimes the story is one we tell ourselves and sometimes it is a fairy tale others want us to believe.
This years holiday gifts in my family were those of photos. My children were gifted photos of childhoods long gone and gifted me with photos of who they are now. Each photo carried a story that was told as we turned the pages of the books and our lives. Memories were shared and new ones created together.
As I sat alone at the end of the night in the glow of the Christmas tree, I scrolled social media. I looked at the images that family and friends had posted. I saw more than the surface in many of those photos. In some I could see strained smiles and sad eyes. In some I could see body language that most would not recognize unless they had lived similar lives. I looked at the often highly curated settings of many photos and saw what many would miss. Most people would just hit the ‘like’ button and keep scrolling but not me. Perhaps it is because in the past I had been the one posting those “impression management” photos to cover for the inadequacies, deep pain and heartache I felt. Perhaps it is because some of those posting the photos had privately shared their struggles with me or because I just knew the reality of their lives.
We all want others to believe that our lives are perfect and without strife or struggle. We see the ‘picture’ that others present and think “why not me?’ or “what is wrong with me?” We step into that place of lack…that feeling that we are somehow inadequate….that feeling that somehow we are not and do not have enough.
STOP THAT! STOP right now!
Life is real and messy and imperfect…and so are we. Which is why I shared the stories behind the photos my kids had in front of them. I shared joyful, happy memories as well as pain-filled moments as we looked at the photos. I owned moments of grief and anger as well as moments when my heart overflowed with love and pride for each/all of them.
The more that we are authentic and real with one another, the more grace we offer each other, the kinder we are……the more love is created. Accept yourself for who you are and love the person looking back at you in the mirror. Accept one another, and yourself, for who they are and love the person…not the image. Every picture tells a story…own your truth and tell your story.
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace