This week three people close to me passed away.
All were sudden and two were young…in the prime of life. 
And I have not cried. 
Not one single tear has escaped my eyes. 
I am numb. 
My heart aches for the families of these people and I want to take away their pain.  But my only real feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for surviving. I feel guilty for my blessings. I feel so horribly guilty for not feeling anything else at all. 
I just don’t know what to feel or how to feel it. I am so afraid to allow myself to really grieve. I am afraid that once I open that door, I will not be able to close it. I am scared that if I feel anything, it will overwhelm me. I have been in that place of all consuming grief before and almost did not make it out. I am so terrified that if I allow myself to go down that rabbit hole again, this time I will not make it out alive. And for that I feel more guilt. 
So I wonder if my numbness is my soul protecting itself. I wonder if my numbness is my heart closing ranks and saying, “Not now. It’s too heavy for you to carry.” I wonder if my head got all those messages and has shut down the circuits so as not to cause a complete system failure. 
Perhaps someday I will  feel safe enough to feel all the feelings. But, for now,  I will carry on through each day, meeting expectations and helping others with their grief while I remain numb. 
For now I will be grateful for the mercy of numbness. 


Disconnection. You ever feel like you need to disconnect? You know….unplug and reset? I am am strong and have been for a long time but sometimes I get weary. I get tired of being strong. I get tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
We only have so much emotional bandwidth and it is all been used up….there is no more space. Other emotions that need access are getting an error message. The server can not process any more emotions as it has reached its bandwidth usage limit. The whole system is slowing down.
I have days like this, more during this time of quarantine, than even before. I ride the emotional waves but lately I have found that some days I can not handle any more input. I am on overwhelm. The constant consumption of information and comparison to others. The fleeting images and superficial comments. The criticism, negativity and judgements. It starts to eat away at the core of who I am. As an empath, I take it all personally and want to fix it all. I want everyone to be friends and help one another. Well, that is not reality. Everyone’s reality is different. Everyone carries different baggage.
We all need time to rest and recharge. Time to unplug and reset. So for today, if you are feeling that system slow down, take the time to recharge. Unplug and reset the system. Allow yourself the disconnect from everything and everyone for a bit and focus on yourself. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.
You are are strong. You deserve rest. The world will still be here when you return, renewed and refreshed. You are worth it.