This week three people close to me passed away.
All were sudden and two were young…in the prime of life.
And I have not cried.
Not one single tear has escaped my eyes.
I am numb.
My heart aches for the families of these people and I want to take away their pain. But my only real feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for surviving. I feel guilty for my blessings. I feel so horribly guilty for not feeling anything else at all.
I just don’t know what to feel or how to feel it. I am so afraid to allow myself to really grieve. I am afraid that once I open that door, I will not be able to close it. I am scared that if I feel anything, it will overwhelm me. I have been in that place of all consuming grief before and almost did not make it out. I am so terrified that if I allow myself to go down that rabbit hole again, this time I will not make it out alive. And for that I feel more guilt.
So I wonder if my numbness is my soul protecting itself. I wonder if my numbness is my heart closing ranks and saying, “Not now. It’s too heavy for you to carry.” I wonder if my head got all those messages and has shut down the circuits so as not to cause a complete system failure.
Perhaps someday I will feel safe enough to feel all the feelings. But, for now, I will carry on through each day, meeting expectations and helping others with their grief while I remain numb.
For now I will be grateful for the mercy of numbness.