Tired

November 8, 2016

I’m tired.
I don’t know how to do this “divorced mom” thing.
Hell …I can’t even get divorced.
I am jealous of the relationship my kids seem to have with “her”. I taught them to be kind to all but have a hard time with them being kind to her. I do not want to be bitter but I am. I can’t stand that “he” waltzes in and out of their lives. According to him, parenting is my job however “he” and others feel that I am doing it all wrong…..and they feel free to share that opinion with my children.
I live in a house that is falling apart and filled with crap I don’t like it don’t want/need. I feel the walls closing in on me here. I used to love the holidays and now I hate them. I see the stress of it all on my kids and it kills me.
I’m tired of secrets and lies. I want to live transparent but my kids are still stuck in a vortex of crap.
I feel out of shape and unattractive. I don’t want to leave the house so how will I ever date? Wait….Dating is so much work and I’m not really interested. My friends are all busy with their own lives. Getting together with anyone leads to the “pity look” then the “elephant in the room” … I am tired of talking about it thus I don’t want to see anyone. I just want it over. I need a new car but can’t afford the payment and even if I could…I can not get a loan. I am just so tired…..
Here’s to soaring again……

D-Day


Monday, September 5, 2016

D Day…a day that will live in infamy….
Our D Day came on a Monday afternoon. I had come home from work, gotten ready to go for a run and a friend called. As I listened to her….I felt like I had been punched in the gut.
I got off the phone and went upstairs. I entered our bedroom and closed the door. My wasband was napping prior to going to work. I thought the house was empty and we were alone but I closed the door anyway.
I confronted him about what I knew. I told him that he could not sleep with another woman and remain married to me. Well…that sounds pretty, doesn’t it? The truth is I said, “Seriously? You think you can Fuck someone else and get away with it? You think you can fuck someone else and still sleep in the same bed with me?”
The wasband rolled over and calmly said, “I will Fuck whoever I want and there is nothing you can do about it….now get the fuck out of the room. I have to get ready for work soon.” and he rolled back over.
I went down to the kitchen….stunned. About 45 minutes later, one of my teen daughters came into the room, put her arms on me and said, ” I know everything, mom.”
“How? What are you talking about?” as I played dumb.
“My sister was outside the door and heard everything……she messaged all us girls.”
I have 4 daughters. The oldest was a gift. She is my step daughter but neither one of us like that term that term and so she is my bonus daughter. All 4 girls are so different but sisters in every sense. I also have a son. He is my baby. My “happy accident” and he knows it. I have said from the day he was conceived that he had a special purpose….every day I am reminded of how special he is to me.  But I digress…..
So now my girls knew…..oh no…..my goal now was to keep this from my son….he was too young to understand.
I tried to steer clear of the wasband the rest of the afternoon and let him leave for work.
The rest of the night was a blur…..
I remember sitting on the couch waiting for him to come home. When he arrived home in the early morning hours of the next day, I tried to talk to him. Actually I didn’t talk…I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I debased myself to the point of embarrassment. He was stoic and seemed even more angry. He “shushed’ me more than once as I cried but it was not the sweet, caring “There, There, sweetie….” kind of shush. It was “Shut the fuck up. The kids will hear you. Just shut up….” He pushed past me into the guest room where I had moved his things….phone charger, sleep machine, etc. At that point, his rage came to the surface….and I cowered. He looked at the bed and realized I had not put fresh sheets on the bed nor had I swept up around and under the bed……He called me lazy and snarled “You should have taken care of this crap….what the fuck were you thinking…”
I was scared and cowered as he slammed the door.
He…yes…the man in charge….had decided the conversation was over for the night. I retreated to my room and locked the door. I didn’t sleep that night (or many other nights) but that is another story for another day.
Thinking back on it now….It was like an out of body experience….the days and weeks that followed were all like that. I asked him to tell me it was not true….I asked him to tell me he loved me and it was just a mistake. I wanted it to be like the movies….I wanted him to come home begging for forgiveness and for me to take him back. Boy, nothing could have been further from the truth.
Looking back on it now? I am so glad I finally took a stand. It’s not easy or fun now but it is so worth it. I am worth better.
Here’s to soaring again…..

Circus

For Mother’s Day this year, my kids gave me a card and a gift. The card made me laugh and and gift had me feeling spoiled. The gift was a new purse. For some it might not seem like a big deal but the many layers of symbolism in this extravagant gift are not lost on me.
When my kids were younger and acting silly, making me lose my mind, I would joke (sometimes not…) that I wanted to sell them to the circus. Why? They made my life a circus and I wanted some peace. They would have been perfect circus performers!
My children grew up celebrating Mother’s Day focused on the other important women in their lives, not on me. As kids, they didn’t have money and were not given money to purchase gifts from a store for mom. I received handmade cards and gifts made in school that I treasure to this day.
As my children have gotten older, they have developed an appreciation for the finer things in life, as well as the work it takes to afford those things. They all love a good quality designer handbag. Me? I go for a large utility carryall. The name on the tag doesn’t matter to me as much as how much stuff I can carry inside! I gave up small purses for a diaper bag over 20 years ago and never looked back!
Now, in this new chapter of my life, my kids want me to continue to downsize my life …starting with my purse. They wanted a “fancier” one for when I go out. They want me to start living my best life.
My kids and I have not always had the greatest relationships. We have struggled and strained, working hard, to get to the place where we are now. The fact that they all came together to purchase this gift and kept it a secret is amazing. The fact that they want to spoil me, buying me a gift that I would never buy for myself, is overwhelming. The fact that my kids put this much thought, effort and money into a gift for me has me feeling blessed beyond measure.
These kids are my kids…. my monkeys ….and this is my circus…..I am the ringmaster. We all just needed some time to figure it out, appreciate it and decide what role we play.
Each year, Mother’s Day is different for all of us.
Take each day as it comes and focus on the good in each day. Your kids are watching, listening and learning, even if you don’t believe or see it.
Just be their mom. And enjoy the fancy purse!
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Rescue

Click. The bedside light is turned off. 
As I roll over and get comfortable, Lucky moves into position. He nestles in to the space behind the bend in my knees and rests his head on my leg. It doesn’t matter where he in in the house, when I turn off that light, within seconds, there he is…. snuggled in the crook of my knees for the night. Every night. Without fail.  It has always been that way since the day he came to live with us.
Quarantine changed the way we lived. I was home all the time and long walks several times a day became the norm.  Lucky was living his best life!
Now that I am back at school and not home every day, I realize that the separation anxiety does not just belong to my Lucky dog, but to me as well. I miss his company and annoying behaviors! 
We walk several miles before I go to work each day and several more when I arrive home. However, that time before we both fall asleep, snuggled together, is important to both of us. We both need it. 
They say we don’t rescue dogs…. they rescue us. I believe we rescue each other. 
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Kids

These kids.
My kids.
They have been though a lot as individuals and together.
They are the cause of my grey hair, my tears and my laugh lines.
They are the source of my pride and the origin of my insanity!
They build each other up more than they tear each other down.
They may be at different ages and stages of life, but watching them share space as they grow and mature fills up my momma heart.
I find peace in the fact that long after I am gone, they will still have each other….. and the memories of our times together.
I have, and always will be, their Kristine (mom)… whether they like it or not…. they can work that out in therapy!
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace