I will begin with a trigger warning.
*This post contains opinions on abortion.
*This post contains opinions on faith and religion.
*This post contains facts that may change your perception of me.
******
All that being said, it is time. I have authored this post over and over again in my head for years. I have thought about the way in which I wanted to tell my story. I have talked myself out of sharing this time and time again ….. mostly due to shame.
Over 30 years ago, I had an abortion.
Full stop.
The story of how and why…those are mine to own. I do not have to share my reasons with anyone. I share those parts with those who deserve the details.
I live with the choice I made each and every day. To dismiss my choice by saying it was the easy way out is to not understand the weight and gravity of the choice.
I remember every part of the events leading up to and after the day of my appointment. There are certain sounds and smells that trigger the memories when I least expect it. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my whole life……and I went alone. I lived with my secret for years out of shame from my church, from my friends and my family.
I was raised Catholic and taught Catholic school for over 20 years. Once I got married and had more children, I raised them Catholic. I went to mass every week and I prayed every day for forgiveness. But the longer I stayed and prayed, I could not escape the nagging feeling that the God I loved thought less of me because of my choice as a young woman. The God, the Jesus, the Mary that I pray to each day were ones that believe in forgiveness. I just needed to forgive myself. Not for having the abortion….but for allowing the church and others to make me feel ashamed for the choice I made.
Once I forgave myself, I made another choice. The choice to leave a church that preaches shame over empathy, condemnation over acceptance and hypocrisy over sincerity.
I have written before about my faith. My faith is steadfast and strong. I still pray daily, but I pray to the loving, accepting God that I believe created each of us in their image.
I live with the choice I made every single day. But here’s the thing….I HAD A CHOICE.
I had a choice because the government recognized that the choice is personal and should be made with a medical professional not a priest, pastor or politician. I am fortunate enough to live in a state that protects a woman’s right to choose but I fear for my children, especially my daughters. They now live in a country with less reproductive rights than I had at their age.
The reasons a woman would choose to have an abortion are as individual and unique as each woman. Each and every woman should have agency over her own health and choices.
I realize that finally sharing my story opens me up to criticism and commentary. I am ok with that. If the fact that I had an abortion in my 20’s changes the way you feel about me, well then that is your choice to make and I respect that choice.
I will always help those who need support. I will always be a safe space and place for any woman. I will always support a woman’s right to choose.
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace
Kristine Binder 