Figureoutable

I worry. A lot.

My therapist has a word for it: catastrophizing. I like to think of it as being exceptionally prepared for disasters that will probably never happen.
If there is a possible outcome, my brain has a remarkable ability to skip over the likely ones and head straight for the worst-case scenario. I can take a simple uncertainty and turn it into a full-blown disaster movie (ever seen Sharnado?!) complete with alternate endings, contingency plans, a backup contingency plan, and a healthy dose of anxiety. Give me an unanswered email and I can have us bankrupt, homeless, and living under a bridge before lunch.
The truth is that I have spent years believing that if I worry enough, think hard enough, or plan far enough ahead, I can somehow prevent bad things from happening. Lime I have some sort of superpower for situational control. 
The reality is that worrying has never prevented a single thing. In fact, if I am being completely honest, most of the things I wasted countless hours worrying about never happened at all. My anxiety has predicted approximately 10,432 disasters over the years, and its batting average is not great. For something that sounds so convincing in the moment, it has a surprisingly poor track record.
What struck me recently was the realization that if I were to make a list of everything I have worried about throughout my life, it would be incredibly long. There would be relationships, jobs, finances, family issues, health concerns, moves, losses, and countless situations where I had absolutely no idea how things were going to work out. There were moments when I was convinced I would never get over something, never find an answer, never recover from a loss, or never know what to do next. At the time, those fears felt very real and very overwhelming.
Yet when I look back, every one of those situations eventually became part of my history instead of my future. Some of them resolved themselves. Some of them turned out differently than I expected. Some of them were every bit as difficult as I feared they would be. But every single one of them moved from being an uncertainty to being an experience that I survived. Not only did I survive them, but I learned from them, adapted to them, and carried those lessons forward into whatever came next.
I think that is the part I forget when I am in the middle of worrying. I focus so much on the possibility that something could go wrong that I forget the evidence that has been sitting right in front of me for sixty years. I have a lifetime of proof that I am capable. I have faced challenges I never anticipated, losses I never wanted, and circumstances I certainly would not have chosen. Somehow, every time, I found a way through. It may not have been pretty. It may not have been the path I expected. It may have involved tears, frustration, and more than a few sleepless nights, but I found a way.
As I have gotten older, I can also see that many of the experiences I would never have chosen for myself ended up teaching me exactly what I needed to know. The twists and turns that seemed unfair at the time often carried lessons, wisdom, strength, and perspective that I would not have gained any other way. Looking back, I can see how those experiences shaped me into the person I am today. Had things unfolded differently, I would be a different person with a different understanding of the world.
I am not naïve enough to think I will stop catastrophizing overnight. After all, I have had decades of practice,  have become quite skilled at it and should add it to my resume. What I am trying to do, however, is remember the evidence. The evidence tells me that most of the things I worry about never happen. The evidence tells me that when difficult things do happen, I am capable of handling them. The evidence tells me that I have a remarkably good track record of figuring things out, even when I am convinced that I won’t.
Perhaps that is the lesson I need to carry with me. Instead of putting all my faith in the stories my anxiety creates about the future, maybe I should put a little more faith in the woman who has already navigated every challenge life has placed in front of her. I need to remain grounded in the present reality of doing ‘the next right thing,’ even if I am not 100%sure what that is at the moment, I need to trust myself and my gut. If my past has taught me anything, it is that no matter how uncertain the road ahead may seem, I have always managed to find my way forward. No amount of worrying has ever been as powerful as my ability to adapt, learn, and keep moving forward.
And if sixty years of evidence have taught me anything, it’s this: every dinged-up, messy, complicated thing has eventually been figureoutable.

Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace