Tag: forward is a pace

Domestic

Kristine Binder

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month, which first began in 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. It was designed to raise awareness and empower others to speak up, speak out, and get help. Nearly three out of four Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence. Now is time to take a stand. Support survivors and speak out against domestic violence.
Domestic violence is more than physical violence. It is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Ending the harm, shame, and stigma of domestic violence requires an understanding of the behaviors that define it. It affects millions of every gender, race, religion, culture and status. It’s not just punches and black eyes — it’s yelling, humiliation, stalking, manipulation, coercion, threats and isolation. It’s stealing a paycheck, keeping tabs online, non-stop texting, constant use the silent treatment, or calling someone stupid so often they believe it. The mental wounds of Domestic Violence are invisible and run deep, with recovery often taking years of therapy.
Domestic Violence is:
Physical
Psychological
Financial
Verbal
Sexual
Digital
Stalking
Spiritual/Cultural
Damage to property
There are so many other forms of abuse and control, many that utilize the children. Once a victim has the courage to leave, they are often not safe and nor free, especially if there are children involved. Abusers use the children and the family court system in a variety of ways to continue the abuse.  The family court system is slow to change, thinking that ordering the abuser to attend anger management classes will address any issues thus correcting the abuser’s behavior. This only angers the abuser more thus empowering them in new ways.
To be clear, abusers never start out that way. They slowly, insidiously destroy the boundaries and self esteem of the victim. In a relationship with an abusive partner, the future-abuser has an agenda. And future-victim will not be aware until it’s too late. Those who abuse others are skilled manipulators who play on the fears and insecurities of others. They feed on the victims need for love and acceptance. They dish out kibbles here and there to keep the victim in line and coming back for more…..just like a casino! Lose every time you visit the casino? You stop going. You need the hope and promise of a win to continue going back. Victims always hold out hope that the abuser will change. Abusers groom victims to trust them, they learn the victims’ weaknesses and use that knowledge as fuel for further control.
What does Domestic Violence look like? It looks like the neighbor who wears a lot of makeup and long sleeves to cover bruises and then lies about how she got those injuries. It looks like the friend that never can go out with friends or when he does, he has to share a location with his partner at all times all the while his phone is blowing up. It looks like the lady in the checkout line who will not speak without looking at her partner first. It looks like a teenager who changes their whole personality for a partner. It looks like the friend who is isolated from friends and family by their partner. It looks like the depressed anxious person who can nor seem to focus, fearful of doing/saying the wrong thing, forever walking on eggshells. It looks like the one that is posting about how perfect life is…..It looks like me.
People who haven’t lived through this kind of trauma will always ask, “Why don’t they just leave?” It’s not that easy — if it was, they would. Choosing to leave an abusive partner is arguably the most life-changing and empowering decisions a person can make, especially if children are involved. Finally, the victim chooses to become a survivor. Victims live in fear and shame. The decision to leave is one that they will ponder many times before actually being courageous enough to actually leave. A nonjudgmental place of safety is what every victim craves. .
What can others do to support victims of Domestic Violence?
Watch for the signs. Start a conversation. Listen to them. Just listen. Do not pressure them. Do not tell them what to do. Do not blame them. Although your natural impulse may be to “rescue” someone from domestic violence, the person being abused needs to make the ultimate decision whether and when to leave and get help. Support them no matter their decision and continue to provide them with a loving and safe place. Once they do feel supported and safe, they will eventually make a life-changing choice. Always…
LISTEN TO THEM!
LOVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
We need to break the cycle of violence. We need to continue sharing stories, listening, supporting and loving, all the while raising awareness, empowering victims to become survivors and thrivers. Lives depend on it!
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace





Addiction

Kristine Binder

Back in early March I was asked to speak to a group of women. All the women in the group were in addiction recovery. The women I met were so amazing and strong. They were real warriors who, after hitting rock bottom, were fighting to climb back up the mountain of sobriety. After I spoke to the group, I listened. I listened as they told me their stories and showed me photos of family. We each became social media friends and I prayed daily for them on their recovery journey. I drove home alone that night knowing the time I spent with them changed me for the better. For two of those women, the pull of addiction was too strong. Last week one of the women overdosed and died. For the rest of the women, I know that the fight and the climb is not over….and may never be over.
Addiction is a crisis. Mental Heath is a crisis. In the past month alone I have supported 3 friends entering mental health treatment facilities. I have witnessed 2 different women return to addiction and one overdose. I have read and seen so many people posting about coping with stress and anxiety using alcohol and other unhealthy methods. Fear, Pain, Inability to cope, societal expectations, and many other factors all play a part in this crisis.
I’m not going to claim to be an authority, spouting facts and figures on addiction and mental health. What I am is a woman who has struggled with her own demons. Fortunately, and with support, I have learned to manage my mental health.
Addiction and mental health struggles are horrible masters but there is always help. There are people and places that are professionals at battling these monsters. There are people and places that are willing and able to support your recovery journey. All you need to do is reach out. It is going to take a great deal of bravery and I can’t promise it will be easy but it is going to be worth it. You are worth it! I am always here to listen, to help, to support you and to walk you in if needed. You are stronger than you realize and loved more than you will ever know.
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Plants

Kristine Binder

I love my plants. To say that I am a plant mom is an understatement! My kids joke that we live in a jungle! But I love each one of my plans for all sorts of reasons and they are all so very different! Plants play a large part in my life a fact that was made even more apparent this weekend.
I learned of a new plant shop that was opening and decided I needed a little self care moment on Saturday so I took a drive over there to check it out. It was just what a needed and more! I walked in and could feel the release of tension in my body. The display and plants were so gorgeous. A true urban oasis! I really was not going to buy anything and then I saw a lone hanging basket in the back. It was a plant that I didn’t have and it was love at first sight. I thought it was going to be expensive so I asked the first person I saw….turns out that was the owner. We got to chatting and all of a sudden so many of my world’s collided. I can’t count the number of “No Way!’s” that were exclaimed. It was a true ‘God-Incident’ and one that I know is not over yet.
Today on my run I stopped to take a few photos of a rose that caught my eye. As I was actually smelling the rose, a man walked around the corner from the front of the house. I stepped back and apologized ….. he was waiting for me to finish so he could now the sideyard.
“No need to apologize….,” he said. “I have more in the back that are prettier if you want to see those.”
“Really?” Now, I was not getting creeper vibes from this older man…I was getting more of a “I am proud of my roses” vibe. So I turned and said, “I would love to see them…”
Together we walked to the gate of the backyard and he opened it for me. Around the edges of the perfectly manicured yard were all different rose bushes. Each prettier than the next. Then he started telling me about each one…..Every special occasion he bought and planted a rose bush for his wife in the yard. There were so many! I stopped taking pictures and listened as he told me the story of each one. Then he told me that my stopping to take pictures was the highlight of his day.
“Since she passed, I don’t really admire the roses anymore…..I forgot how much I love them and miss her. Thanks….”
“Awww. They are all so pretty and unique…..You are so welcome….”
I said goodbye to Roy (yes, I did eventually ask his name!) and promised to stop and smell the roses each time I run past his place.
Whether it is indoor plants or outdoor gardening, getting my hands dirty and watching something grow is cathartic and healing for me. Plants ground me….no pun intended! Plants, I have realized, are a good metaphor for life. Plants are so diverse just like people. Plants need the basics to survive just like people. Plants can’t take root and grow in an unhealthy environment. Plants may grow regardless of where they are planted, however, plants thrive with attention, care, love and often, a little guidance. Sometimes plants need a little pruning or direction, just like the people in our life. A little direction and plants will always find their way. What we sometimes think of as weeds can also bring beauty…it is all in our perception. We all grow at our own pace, in our own way, eventually blooming, just like plants. The gardens I love are filled with diversity, variety and color.
Plants and flowers allow us to get a little dirty, create connection, foster growth, appreciate beauty, cultivate friendships, ground ourselves and remind us to bloom. Always remember to stop and smell the roses because, no matter what, it is worth it!
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Criticism

Kristine Binder

There will always be critics, haters and difficult people in your life. Those people that judge you for so many reasons. No matter how sincere your intentions may be, no matter how positive your actions may be, there will be those who find a way to criticize you. For one reason or another, someone will find a reason to project their insecurities, negativity, and fears onto you and your life, and you’ll have to deal with it. When that happens, keep in mind that the criticism is their problem, not yours.
I have learned to embrace the criticism and use it as fuel. It has much about myself and about my critics. I am grateful for those that want to judge and criticize me. Grateful for haters? YES! Without them I would never have known how much I can tolerate before I say “enough.” I would never have learned to create and hold boundaries. I would not have had the courage to stand on my own two feet and live my truth. I would never have realized that I only needed to fight for me to protect my heart. I am grateful that though their judgements I have learned what I stand for and what is important to me. Without those difficult “sandpaper” people in my like I never would have learned to love myself, becoming the woman I am today.
I occasionally look back to remember what I leave behind and to see how far I have come. I’m not upset or angry about the past, nor am I envious of the people and things I leave in the past. I leave behind people to deal with their own demons. I leave behind all the hate, anger, judgements, and criticism of others. I leave behind all that no longer serves me.
I look towards the future and move forward. Every day is a new day. I choose not to give power to the critics and the haters. I choose not to allow anyone but me control my destiny and my future. Those critics are afraid of a strong woman. They are afraid of a woman who has stepped into her own truth and light. A confident and courageous woman is intimidating to others. Why? She has nothing to fear, nothing to lose but everything to gain. She carries herself with pride and dignity. She might stumble here and there but that crown never wavers.
When you’re being criticized, it means you’re making a difference. So rather than allowing criticism to stop you, smile, straighten your crown and step forward into your greatness! Always look forward and keep moving forward!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Ordained

Kristine Binder

I am now an ordained minister! I followed the lead of my friend and founder of Free Mom Hugs, Sara Cunningham by becoming ordained!
With restrictions from Covid starting to lift, people are beginning to plan small gatherings for weddings. It is often difficult to find a minister to officiate, especially if you are part of the LQBTQIA+ community.
I love LOVE! I am a strong, vocal advocate for love. Becoming ordained really allows me to support and honor acceptance and love between all people.
I do not have a religious focus (unless that is your choice)…just your love story!
If you are in need of a minister for your wedding, please contact me! I would love to officiate your ceremony and celebrate your love.