Tag: abuse

Domestic

Kristine Binder

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month, which first began in 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. It was designed to raise awareness and empower others to speak up, speak out, and get help. Nearly three out of four Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence. Now is time to take a stand. Support survivors and speak out against domestic violence.
Domestic violence is more than physical violence. It is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Ending the harm, shame, and stigma of domestic violence requires an understanding of the behaviors that define it. It affects millions of every gender, race, religion, culture and status. It’s not just punches and black eyes — it’s yelling, humiliation, stalking, manipulation, coercion, threats and isolation. It’s stealing a paycheck, keeping tabs online, non-stop texting, constant use the silent treatment, or calling someone stupid so often they believe it. The mental wounds of Domestic Violence are invisible and run deep, with recovery often taking years of therapy.
Domestic Violence is:
Physical
Psychological
Financial
Verbal
Sexual
Digital
Stalking
Spiritual/Cultural
Damage to property
There are so many other forms of abuse and control, many that utilize the children. Once a victim has the courage to leave, they are often not safe and nor free, especially if there are children involved. Abusers use the children and the family court system in a variety of ways to continue the abuse.  The family court system is slow to change, thinking that ordering the abuser to attend anger management classes will address any issues thus correcting the abuser’s behavior. This only angers the abuser more thus empowering them in new ways.
To be clear, abusers never start out that way. They slowly, insidiously destroy the boundaries and self esteem of the victim. In a relationship with an abusive partner, the future-abuser has an agenda. And future-victim will not be aware until it’s too late. Those who abuse others are skilled manipulators who play on the fears and insecurities of others. They feed on the victims need for love and acceptance. They dish out kibbles here and there to keep the victim in line and coming back for more…..just like a casino! Lose every time you visit the casino? You stop going. You need the hope and promise of a win to continue going back. Victims always hold out hope that the abuser will change. Abusers groom victims to trust them, they learn the victims’ weaknesses and use that knowledge as fuel for further control.
What does Domestic Violence look like? It looks like the neighbor who wears a lot of makeup and long sleeves to cover bruises and then lies about how she got those injuries. It looks like the friend that never can go out with friends or when he does, he has to share a location with his partner at all times all the while his phone is blowing up. It looks like the lady in the checkout line who will not speak without looking at her partner first. It looks like a teenager who changes their whole personality for a partner. It looks like the friend who is isolated from friends and family by their partner. It looks like the depressed anxious person who can nor seem to focus, fearful of doing/saying the wrong thing, forever walking on eggshells. It looks like the one that is posting about how perfect life is…..It looks like me.
People who haven’t lived through this kind of trauma will always ask, “Why don’t they just leave?” It’s not that easy — if it was, they would. Choosing to leave an abusive partner is arguably the most life-changing and empowering decisions a person can make, especially if children are involved. Finally, the victim chooses to become a survivor. Victims live in fear and shame. The decision to leave is one that they will ponder many times before actually being courageous enough to actually leave. A nonjudgmental place of safety is what every victim craves. .
What can others do to support victims of Domestic Violence?
Watch for the signs. Start a conversation. Listen to them. Just listen. Do not pressure them. Do not tell them what to do. Do not blame them. Although your natural impulse may be to “rescue” someone from domestic violence, the person being abused needs to make the ultimate decision whether and when to leave and get help. Support them no matter their decision and continue to provide them with a loving and safe place. Once they do feel supported and safe, they will eventually make a life-changing choice. Always…
LISTEN TO THEM!
LOVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
We need to break the cycle of violence. We need to continue sharing stories, listening, supporting and loving, all the while raising awareness, empowering victims to become survivors and thrivers. Lives depend on it!
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace





Surf

Kristine Binder

We are all surfers… learning to ride the waves. Sometimes we ride alone and sometimes we ride with others… however learning to surf takes time and practice. It is never the same and it is not easy but once we get the hang of it, we can do it. Some waves are more fun than others but the challenge is the same …. get back to shore safely. Just as the waves in an ocean change, so do emotions. Like waves, emotions might be calm and peaceful one moment and at another rocky and unpredictable.
When the waves of emotion come, like any good surfer, we have have a choice, we can choose to get in the water and face them head on or stay on the shore. There is really no point in avoiding the waves or trying to fight them. Eventually we will have to face them at some point so why not take a deep breath and dive in.
Waves, be they in the water or emotional waves, are forces of nature and demand respect. Mother Nature does not mess around! When we acknowledge that power and are fully present, we can go with the flow of the wave and let it to lead us safely to the shore. Fighting against the current and those forces of nature may cause us to be carried further out or under. Good surfers never lose sight of the shore.
Each wave requires adjustments. No one masters any wave, we all learn to better negotiate and navigate the waves. We learn from our own experiences and the experiences of others.
Will we get knocked down, wipeout and take on some water occasionally? Sure, but we come up to the surface, breathe deep and try again. And if we really get into trouble, there are lifeguards (friends) who are there to help rescue us before we get in too deep.
When faced with the waves of emotions, it’s time to face the fear and move forward. We can ride these waves or sit on the shore and watch. 
This is your life. The only thing that is scarier than dying is living a life someone else picks for you so jump on that surfboard and ride the waves.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Should

Kristine Binder


I SHOULD go to college.
I SHOULD move home.
I SHOULD take the job.
I SHOULD date the guy.
I SHOULD get married.
I have been ‘Shoulding” all over myself for years. I bought the message that I SHOULD do what others wanted me to do in order to make THEM happy. I stayed in my lane and did what was expected. My way of thinking I was being a rebel was instead of going to the Big 10 school, I went to the small Catholic College. Instead of moving home for long, I moved into an apartment I could not afford. Instead of taking the job with a public school, I went for the Catholic school that paid nothing. Instead of dating the guys that were stable, I chose the “bad boys” that paid attention to me. Instead of seeing the red flags right in front of me, I ignored them and married the man waving those flags. During my divorce, I SHOULD myself into making decisions I never would have made had I listened to and trusted myself.
I SHOULD myself into so many corners in my life to make others happy and gain their approval.
So I made a choice to stop.
I cleaned up the SHOULD and put it away.
I realized that once I stopped “SHOULDing” on myself, once I started trusting myself, I was happier. I was more fulfilled. It is not easy and it is often scary to trust myself. Honestly, things do not always go as planned and often go wrong but the blame for that lands solely on me.
I also realized that I was “SHOULDing” on my kids. I see them making what appear to me to be mistakes, but I have to allow them the freedom to make those choices and see what happens. Glennon Doyle write in her book Untamed, “A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter.“
I want to be a responsible parent and that means I have to stop SHOULDing on myself to make others happy. I need to stop being the obedient daughter because I want more for me and for my children.
I want my children, now young adults, to make choices based on the fact that they WANT to not because they SHOULD. I want them to be independent decision makers. The SHOULD cycle stops now.
So now when I am faced with a choice, I ask myself, “Am I doing this because I SHOULD do it (to meet someone else’s expectations) or do I WANT to do it(my choice)?” That question alone often stops me in my tracks and helps me refocus…from having a snack (should I eat this because it is lunch time(expected) or am I really hungry(I want it)?) to starting a business (should I do this because she wants me as a business partner or do I want to be a business owner?)
Taking back my WANT and putting away my SHOULD has been one of the biggest changes that has helped me move forward in my life.
Are you SHOULDing all over yourself? Is it time to clean up the SHOULD and take back the WANT? Together we can move forward with less SHOULD and more WANT!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forewardisapace

Leap

Kristine Binder

This photo means so much to me. It popped up in my memories recently and was a reminder of so many things.
It was 5 years ago….but it seems like a lifetime ago. My kids and I had taken a trip way up North to be with friends. While there, the kids wanted to go cliff jumping at a quarry. The last time I was cliff jumping was when I was in high school…..so it had been a minute! One after the other the kids jumped from the high cliff into the water as the adults cheered and laughed. I am not sure why but all of a sudden, I decided I wanted to jump. I could not remember the last thing I did something irrational. So I moved in front of the other kids and just took that last step….that leap of faith. What I did not know then was how that momententary decision would become a metaphor for my life.
As I felt my back foot leave the ground and I began to freefall, I felt scared but in an exhilarating sort of way, if that makes sense. It was not the “fear of death” scared. It was the “excitement of the unknown” scared. For the past 20 years of my life to that point, I had been controlled and lived in the service of others, my husband, my kids, my job…everything. In that moment, I was free to make a choice for myself. Free to step off a cliff and freefall to the water.
The second I broke the surface of the water I gasped. It was the kind of gasp a baby takes at the moment of birth. A long pause and then a loud cry……I screamed! What a feeling! Unforgettable on so many levels!
The following week, I legally filed for divorce. I had been separated for a few weeks when my kids and I left for this trip but once home, I was ready to take the next step….that real leap. The dissolution of a 20 year marriage is never easy but when other issues are tossed in the mix, the process becomes nasty and horrendous for everyone involved.
The months and years that followed, as I moved through the divorce process, I leaned into all the feelings. The loss, fear, pain, devastation, anger, sadness, greif, failure, guilt, depression, anxiety….I leaned into it all. And then I took a leap.
I leaned and then leaped each time. With each leap, I gained confidence and more freedom. I was learning to make choices for myself again. I was learning to trust myself again. This was not an easy process. Fear had always been my go to emotion, but slowly faith was taking over.
These past 5 years have not been easy by any means but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I have learned so much, growing in self confidence and faith, becoming so much more courageous. I have learned to trust myself and others. I have become more courageous, excited about life, fearless (ok….not totally!), free and I am discovering a new me that I LOVE!
Do I make the right choice every single time? Nope! Am I proud of every choice I make? Nope. But I own every single choice I make, as well as the consequences of each choice. I lean, leap and learn each and every time!
What is one way you have taken a leap of faith? Do you need guidance or support to take that step? I am here for you! Do one thing today that scares you!
Let’s lean, leap and learn together!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace