“Because the truth is, even when divorce is literally the best thing, when it gives you back to yourself, when it returns you to your highest space and delivers you to the second half of your life, whole and healthy and good…..even then, divorce is traumatizing. It just tears some things apart that we’ve spent our adult life building and putting together. And it affects so many people.”
“You’re struggling in any way in your marriage, whether you’re admitting it or not, is a profound loneliness.”
“I created a version of our marriage in my own mind and convinced myself it was enough.”
This podcast episode is everything!
Like Jen Hatmaker, I chose my steady stable marriage over what was true. I was a master shapeshifter, human spotlight and clean up crew for over 20 years and even after I was divorced. The shame too much for me to bear. I made myself smaller and smaller until I didn’t recognize myself. Over time, my people pulled away and I could not understand why. It was not until years into my divorce process that my people had the courage to tell me they pulled back because they didn’t know me anymore and had no clue how to help me. I don’t fault them. Back then, I didn’t know how to help myself either and I would not have had the bandwidth to accept the truth and the help.
I’ve said before that women don’t like to talk about the difficulties in marriage, however Jen breaks down the reasons (and the shame that surrounds it all) so eloquently. She also gives voice to the power of connection. When we are vulnerable, honest and true to ourselves, we allow others to connect and share space with us in a nonjudgmental way.
It has taken me years, lots of therapy and work on myself to find my way through this dark tunnel but the light I have found on the other side is so bright and beautiful!
Listen to the whole episode here!


Turns out ….
I used to think I was crazy. Why? I was made to believe I was crazy. I was told over and over that I was crazy. I was gaslit until I did not know up from down and forward from backward. 
Turns out….
I used to be an angry, broken woman. Why? I was told over and over that I  was angry for no reason and I was broken beyond repair. 
Turns out….
Life is difficult and glorious and more exciting than I ever realized. Why? I forgot who I was and that I can do hard things like step out of my comfort zone to use the word no. 
Turns out….
I know more than I ever thought possible once I trust my own knowing. 
Turns out…..
I hold the power to create the beautiful, untamed life I want for others and myself. 
Turns out….
I am not crazy or angry or broken. 
Turns out….


I SHOULD go to college.
I SHOULD move home.
I SHOULD take the job.
I SHOULD date the guy.
I SHOULD get married.
I have been ‘Shoulding” all over myself for years. I bought the message that I SHOULD do what others wanted me to do in order to make THEM happy. I stayed in my lane and did what was expected. My way of thinking I was being a rebel was instead of going to the Big 10 school, I went to the small Catholic College. Instead of moving home for long, I moved into an apartment I could not afford. Instead of taking the job with a public school, I went for the Catholic school that paid nothing. Instead of dating the guys that were stable, I chose the “bad boys” that paid attention to me. Instead of seeing the red flags right in front of me, I ignored them and married the man waving those flags. During my divorce, I SHOULD myself into making decisions I never would have made had I listened to and trusted myself.
I SHOULD myself into so many corners in my life to make others happy and gain their approval.
So I made a choice to stop.
I cleaned up the SHOULD and put it away.
I realized that once I stopped “SHOULDing” on myself, once I started trusting myself, I was happier. I was more fulfilled. It is not easy and it is often scary to trust myself. Honestly, things do not always go as planned and often go wrong but the blame for that lands solely on me.
I also realized that I was “SHOULDing” on my kids. I see them making what appear to me to be mistakes, but I have to allow them the freedom to make those choices and see what happens. Glennon Doyle write in her book Untamed, “A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter.
I want to be a responsible parent and that means I have to stop SHOULDing on myself to make others happy. I need to stop being the obedient daughter because I want more for me and for my children.
I want my children, now young adults, to make choices based on the fact that they WANT to not because they SHOULD. I want them to be independent decision makers. The SHOULD cycle stops now.
So now when I am faced with a choice, I ask myself, “Am I doing this because I SHOULD do it (to meet someone else’s expectations) or do I WANT to do it(my choice)?” That question alone often stops me in my tracks and helps me refocus…from having a snack (should I eat this because it is lunch time(expected) or am I really hungry(I want it)?) to starting a business (should I do this because she wants me as a business partner or do I want to be a business owner?)
Taking back my WANT and putting away my SHOULD has been one of the biggest changes that has helped me move forward in my life.
Are you SHOULDing all over yourself? Is it time to clean up the SHOULD and take back the WANT? Together we can move forward with less SHOULD and more WANT!