Tag: anxiety

Leap

Kristine Binder

This photo means so much to me. It popped up in my memories recently and was a reminder of so many things.
It was 5 years ago….but it seems like a lifetime ago. My kids and I had taken a trip way up North to be with friends. While there, the kids wanted to go cliff jumping at a quarry. The last time I was cliff jumping was when I was in high school…..so it had been a minute! One after the other the kids jumped from the high cliff into the water as the adults cheered and laughed. I am not sure why but all of a sudden, I decided I wanted to jump. I could not remember the last thing I did something irrational. So I moved in front of the other kids and just took that last step….that leap of faith. What I did not know then was how that momententary decision would become a metaphor for my life.
As I felt my back foot leave the ground and I began to freefall, I felt scared but in an exhilarating sort of way, if that makes sense. It was not the “fear of death” scared. It was the “excitement of the unknown” scared. For the past 20 years of my life to that point, I had been controlled and lived in the service of others, my husband, my kids, my job…everything. In that moment, I was free to make a choice for myself. Free to step off a cliff and freefall to the water.
The second I broke the surface of the water I gasped. It was the kind of gasp a baby takes at the moment of birth. A long pause and then a loud cry……I screamed! What a feeling! Unforgettable on so many levels!
The following week, I legally filed for divorce. I had been separated for a few weeks when my kids and I left for this trip but once home, I was ready to take the next step….that real leap. The dissolution of a 20 year marriage is never easy but when other issues are tossed in the mix, the process becomes nasty and horrendous for everyone involved.
The months and years that followed, as I moved through the divorce process, I leaned into all the feelings. The loss, fear, pain, devastation, anger, sadness, greif, failure, guilt, depression, anxiety….I leaned into it all. And then I took a leap.
I leaned and then leaped each time. With each leap, I gained confidence and more freedom. I was learning to make choices for myself again. I was learning to trust myself again. This was not an easy process. Fear had always been my go to emotion, but slowly faith was taking over.
These past 5 years have not been easy by any means but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I have learned so much, growing in self confidence and faith, becoming so much more courageous. I have learned to trust myself and others. I have become more courageous, excited about life, fearless (ok….not totally!), free and I am discovering a new me that I LOVE!
Do I make the right choice every single time? Nope! Am I proud of every choice I make? Nope. But I own every single choice I make, as well as the consequences of each choice. I lean, leap and learn each and every time!
What is one way you have taken a leap of faith? Do you need guidance or support to take that step? I am here for you! Do one thing today that scares you!
Let’s lean, leap and learn together!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace




Anxious

Kristine Binder
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This morning I had a socially distant coffee date with an old friend. We sat down and dove right in like no time had passed. We didn’t talk about politics, masks, or pandemics. We talked about stress, anxiety and the current status of our mental health. We talked about feeling disconnected and not focused. We talked about how were each had been forgetful and feeling “lost”. We talked a lot about anxiety. Anxiousness over our own health, our current state of employment, our seemingly endless loss of control and structure. I have has many similar conversations with friends recently.
Anxiety is natural and normal for most people. It is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. Most people can manage it. However, for some people it is more than a an occasional feeling. It is a constant feeling that rarely goes away. It is taking the smallest thing and catastrophizing it into something horrible.
During a regular day, we are busy and have little time to think of all these small things. We are too busy living life and moving from one things to another. We also are surrounded by people that redirect those anxious thoughts and helps us remain on course. Now, during this pandemic, we have slowed the pace. We are alone, or with the same people, at all times. We have more time to think and “navel gaze” about what worries us. This becomes the proverbial rabbit hole. We start to worry about something and with nothing but time, we start to travel down that rabbit hole. Once that spiral journey begins it is difficult to crawl back out on your own.
People are posting all sorts of wonderful parts of quarantine….family dinners, game nights, etc. but is that the reality? We will never know and we should not hold ourselves to that standard. People I have spoken with are so concerned about judgement. We have become a society that is quick to snap off a post or comment that is filled with judgement. Why? Does that make us feel better? More superior? More powerful?
Mental health is an issue that I am passionate about as it so important and yet so taboo. People like medical issues that fit neatly in a box and have a cure. They like things they know and can see. Mental health is not the same for everyone. It does not manifest itself in the same way with everyone and there is no clear course of treatment that is the same for everyone. Say ‘Cancer’ and people understand. Say ‘Mental Health’ and people not only don’t understand, they downplay it, saying you are “crazy”. This drives the issues further underground and often makes them worse. Knowing we are not alone and not being judged is so affirming in so many ways. Reaching out for help, sharing your troubles, makes you more vulnerable but it also makes you stronger. You learn and you grow. You get better.
Does it all happen over night? Nope it takes work…lots of work…with yourself, with a therapist and with your friends. You are not crazy or lazy or silly. You are a feeling person in a changing world that is in need a support. Find your support system. Find those people that you trust and can listen, helping you address those uncomfortable feelings. I guarantee you that you are not alone!
If you are not sure who to trust, reach out. I am here. I will create a non-judgemental space for you to express yourself and listen to you. I will allow you to be yourself and see yourself in the most real way. I will help you move from vulnerability to validation. Scary? Sure. But isn’t everything worthwhile scary at first?
I am here and together we move forward in the healthiest way possible.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace


Mental

Kristine Binder

Depression. Anxiety. Panic Attacks. PTSD. BiPolar. Substance Abuse. Mental Illness.
All things people do not talk about. They are like the new ‘C’ word. Whispered in conversation. Joked about.  Avoided all together.
All are real. All are deadly.
Physical illness is something people can see and “treat” so that seems to be more acceptable. Mental illness is not easily diagnosed or treated, nor is it “acceptable” so people often hide it, self medicate or just give in to it.
None of it is easy and all of it is embarrassing. It carries a horrible stigma of mental hospitals and crazy psych wards like we have seen in the movies (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, anyone?). But that is not the case any longer.
I have been treated for all of the above. I see a therapist regularly. I fought, and had to get a court order, for my children to attend therapy. They didn’t like it for a while but now? They are researching their own therapists in order to go back and get help.
I honestly do not know where I would be without my therapist. I have had 2 over the years. One that I walked away from as she told me my anxiety, panic attacks and depression were due to a horrible marriage. I knew it deep down but I also knew that opening that door would lead to a mess I was not capable of cleaning up even with the most trusted professional. I walked out of her office and thought I could stuff it all away forever. NOPE.
A year later, I really thought I was losing my mind. I secretly visited an inpatient facility and went through the entire intake process. It was recommended that I check in immediately as  they were concerned for my wellbeing…..but I walked away. No, honestly, I ran away as fast as I could…I didn’t want them to catch me! Opening that door ….nope. Not happening. No thank you. The mess had only gotten larger and more difficult to clean up.
I finally got to a place and found a person I could trust. She helped me open the door a little at a time and mopped up the mess as it spilled out of me. She allowed some light to enter back my life. And once I saw that light? I knew that there was no going back. I needed to help to maintain balance.
Mental illness does not have an easy fix. People self medicate daily to combat demons with all sorts of things like exercise, caffeine, drugs booze, food, gambling…you name it.   I know the struggle is real and that it is a day to day battle to keep the demons in check. They creep in sometimes and I fall down the rabbit hole…..sometimes I fall deeper than others. It is not pretty when that happens. It is hard for those who suffer to crawl out of that hole alone….I know it is hard for me sometimes. But on those days, I know that have seen the light before and I know it is out there somewhere….I just may  need help finding it. So check on your strong friends, the ones that you think have it all together. They may not tell you how weak they feel but that check in, that phone call, that text message….. it might save a life.
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace