control – Kristine Binder

In the June of 2015 I filed for divorce. That was the beginning of what would become a long, drawn out, high conflict divorce from an abusive narcissist. The divorce was final 2 years later on August 9, 2017. That was not the and and there are battles being fought but those battles are few and far between now.
I digress. Prior to the divorce I was seeing a therapist. I continued to see her throughout the divorce and long afterwards. Those visits were, and still are, a sanity saver for me. She encouraged me to write it all down to hep me process my feelings. I kept a paper journal and still do. In 2016, about year into the process, she suggested a blog. Her suggestion was to keep it as a private blog until I was ready and strong enough to share my story. I needed to heal a lot more before I could open up to others.
I recently got a notification that the blog was going to be archived. So I went back and read some of the entries. I was triggered all over….but in a different way. I no longer was overcome with fear and anxiety. I didn’t start to hyperventilate. I smiled. I realized that that woman no longer exists. I have come so far in my healing process that the trigger is pride. That is not an emotion I am used to or comfortable with in my life. But I am getting used to it! So, I decided that it is time to publish those blog entries and some of my journal entries. Why? I didn’t know what I know now and didn’t have anyone to talk to about what I was experiencing. I thought that what I was experiencing was ‘normal’. I thought I was alone. What I have come to realize is that my experience was not normal and I was not alone. It was just that no one wanted to talk about it.
If even one person is inspired by my story and chooses a life of freedom, then it will have been worth it.
The next few entries will be dated and posted exactly as I wrote them in 2016
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Money. The cost of things. budgets. Math. Numbers. Money. Money. Money. Cost. Cost. Cost.
Money has always been my kryptonite. Money causes me more anxiety than anything else in my life. Money has been used as a means of control and ‘forced’ love for as long as I can remember. The cost of things in my life has always been high.
I learned as a young kid that nothing was free. Even gifts came with strings attached. As I grew older, I thought I outgrew it as I became more independent…. I was wrong. The connection between love and money just became more entangled and more complex.
Throughout my marriage, my insecurity with money was exploited until it was no longer an insecurity, it was a disability.
I was told over and over that I was “bad with numbers” “horrible with budgets” “didn’t know basic math” “bad with money” until I believed it to my core. For over 20 years, I turned over my paycheck every month to my family and lived on $100 a week to feed my kids and me. When the utilities were disconnected, time and time again, I was told (and I believed) that it was because I was spending all the money and we were, in fact, broke. This was not the truth.
When I had my first meeting with a divorce attorney, I explained my financial situation. The look he gave me is seared into my memory. Then he said….”You work full time. You have money that is yours. You are not broke. You are in a financially abusive marriage.” I will never forget that moment. It was then I realized that my marriage was costing me more than money. It was costing me my sanity.
The days, months and years that followed that moment have cost me so much more than money. DO NOT get me wrong….Divorce is NOT cheap nor easy. However, it is WORTH IT! The additional, ancillary costs are what people do not count on nor realize until later.
My divorce has cost me dearly over the years. It has cost me my children. My children have been hurt deeply by the divorce and me….because I could not be the mom they needed or deserved for a while. It has cost me friendships and relationships. Friendships and relationships that I realized were not built to withstand something as devastating as divorce. It has cost me jobs. Jobs that I realized were not meant for a lifetime but meant as a stepping stone to something better. It has cost me my sanity and patience at times. My sanity and patience have been tested over and over during this process leading me to be more self aware, self confident and tolerant of myself and others.
While the past few years have cost me a great deal, they have also given me so much. I have gained so many things in this process. I have gained new, and stronger, friendships that I know can withstand any storm. I have gained newfound confidence in myself and my abilities. I have gained new, more adult, relationships with my kids. I have gained the realization that I always knew math, I just needed a deeper understanding of finances and financial literacy…something that no one ever teaches you. I have gained the knowledge that independence is priceless and it is something I will never again give away freely.
My new life cost me so much. It cost me my old life with interest. However, each day I am thankful I made that investment. I made an investment in me because I realized I was worth considerably more and deserved far better than how I was being treated and where I was…in a miserable, abusive marriage. The benefits from that investment far outweigh the costs. Each day that investment pays off in spades!
How much do you value of your life? What investment are you willing to make? What are you waiting for? Invest in yourself….it is an investment that ALWAYS pays off! You are WORTH IT!
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace