Once upon a time I dreamed of a husband that was my best friend. Once upon a time I dreamed of a big house filled with family. One upon a time I dreamed of nights around the table with my kids, playing games, laughing and creating core memories. Once upon a time I HAD that big house and big family However, the house was filled secrets and the family was filled with chaos. Had I known that my dreams would become something of nightmares, maybe I would have had different dreams. Now, as I enter my 57th year standing on the balcony of my small rental condo, my eyes filling with tears, I listen to the laughter of my kids and their significant others. I see them all sitting and standing together, just happy to share space. I smell the ‘team effort’ dinner that is almost ready. I stand here taking it all in and realize that my current reality is so much better than that of my dreams. I no longer have a spouse but I have realized that I am far stronger and more capable than I ever realized. I can do it all on my own. I don’t have a big house but I now have a home that is a safe space for not only my own kids, but their friends and my friends too. I have a big family that is still chaotic but in the best way possible now. We laugh, cry, disagree, play games, communicate, get loud, get quiet, are protective of each other and love each other fiercely. Here’s the thing about dreams, eventually you have to wake up and face reality and my reality is looking pretty good right now. Peace #tutulady #forwardisapace
Fractured means broken; damaged in a sudden or violent way. That is a perfect description of how I currently feel. This week I took a tumble. I was standing on the high back of a chair to reach a 7 foot shelf. I lost my balance and fell to the ground from about 4 feet in the air. It was not pretty and I knew I hurt myself the minute it happened. I was trying to do to much and declined an offer of help which led to this fall. I drove myself to the IBJI immediate care and was told that my wrist was, in fact fractured. The Dr. that diagnosed the injury(a man that appeared older than me) gave me a pity look and said, “accidents happen…especially to older women….” He continued to talk, making me feel like a feeble old lady. He failed to grasp that this could very well have happened to him if he had fallen from the same height. He was in the room for all of 10 minutes and laughed as he left. I was so stunned, and still in shock, that I failed to ask questions. I was fitted for a brace and still had questions. The PT did not feel comfortable answering some of those questions so I had to return to the Drs office to meet with his PA in order to ask vital questions (pain relief, activity level, cautions, follow up, etc). I went home feeling really depressed and overwhelmed. Well wishes, and offers to help were many. I responded as expected of me….”I am fine.” “It is just a small thing.” “It is a speed bump….a reminder to slow down and ask for help.” “Its ok…just glad it is not worse.” But I was not fine. I am not fine. I am sad. I am angry. I am depressed. I am getting older and that scares the hell out of me. I am angry that a Dr. minimized my injury and blamed early onset menopause for the fact that I was injured. Why? I am an older woman. Has he seen my other medical charts? Does he know my overall health history and know when I started menopause or did he make an assumption based on face value? What does he know about menopause as a MALE orthopedic Dr.? He did not even ask for details as to how I was injured. He just made assumptions. The way he spoke to me made me feel far less intelligent than I am. That is infuriating! I arrived home and resumed life as normal, responding to messages and laughing about my fate….all while falling apart inside. I am being transparent about my struggles not for pity but in the hope that others will do the same. We say to ‘check on our happy friends” and that is hitting home for me in a very real way. I am always the strong one, the one that doesn’t need help, thus vulnerability is not in my wheelhouse. In this moment I am beating myself up for my stupidity and brazen lack of safety. I am mad at myself for not advocating for myself in a better way with medical staff. I am sad that I had to deal with not only this injury for 4 weeks, but the rehab and pain that is sure to follow. I am sad that I have, once again, been confronted with aging and the limitations of my physical body. I am frustrated that I can not do the things I had planned for the remainder of my break, nor in the upcoming weeks and probably have to make other lifestyle changes for a while. Is this just a speed bump, a reminder to slow down, ask for help and advocate for myself more often? Yes. In my rational mind I know this, however, past trauma and C-PTSD rears its ugly head at any opportunity possible in my life. And these past 2 days have been very difficult. I fight to diminish my anxiety and the negative self talk that fills my head. I struggle to find ways to rest and quiet the negative noise. I am working to find the compassion and understanding for myself that I so often offer others…which it is no easy task. I am really hard on myself every day but in times like this? I go above and beyond! My motto in running and life is #forwardisapace, thus I take this day, and every day, one step at a time…..even if that is a baby step wrapped in bubble wrap! I have a great therapist who offers practical advice (I just have to implement it!). I have the gift of a few more days of winter break to rest. I have medical insurance. I have people who love me and check on me. I am blessed and never take any of those blessings for granted! Right now I am be fractured, broken and damaged, but I will make it through today (and every day after that)and call that a win! I might be down right now, but NEVER count me out! Check on your strong friends. Peace #tutulady #forwardisapace
As we end 2022 (a number I LOVE for obvious reasons!), it is time to reflect. Reflection is good as it prepares us to look forward heading into the new year. Below are some reflection questions that I will be answering in the next 2 days. I would love your thoughts on any one of these questions or all of them.
What is one challenge that you’ve overcome this year? What accomplishment are you most proud of this year? What’s the best book you read this year? What’s the best podcast you listened to this year? What made you the happiest this year? Who’s the person you couldn’t have gotten through this year without? What is one goal you have for the new year? What are you most fearful of/nervous about in the coming year? What are you most looking forward to in the new year? What word or phrase will you take into the new year with you?
I look forward to reading your responses and the venturing into the new year with you all!
Today started out as a day of giving and turned into a day of receiving. I dropped my son at work, got a snack and headed to Evanston hospital to donate blood. There was an urgent need for the victims of the Highland Park tragedy so I signed up. Giving blood is how I help when I feel helpless. I chose to take the advice of my friend Julie and wear my Free Mom Hugs shirt. Entering the hospital, I got a few looks from people. Soon I was seated in the donation chair and one of the phlebotomists said, “I like your shirt!” “Thanks! Need a hug?” “Really?” I nod. “Sure…” She says. So before I get hooked up to all the machines, I give her a big hug. She smiles and says thanks. As she is removing needle, one of the other women says, “11:11! Make a wish! That was your official finish time!” I laugh and she then pulls out the pink bandage…it was like they knew me! We 3 chatted while I recovered and then I left. I walked toward the exit and an elderly man said, “Really? Hugs?” “Yup! Want one?” “Well I guess so….” And we did sort of side hug as that was what he could manage with his cane. “That was really nice. Thank you.” And he shuffled away. Once I left the hospital I was feeling all sorts of things. So, I decided to take a drive. I found myself driving around the Northwestern Campus. As an homage to my old man, I clicked on my old school Spotify playlist and the soothing sounds of Billie Holiday filled the air. I gazed you the window at the old and new buildings. So much has changed over the years. I wound up in the older part of Evanston and grabbed a coffee. I treated myself to a fancy lavender latte (at the suggestion of the barista). “Do you really give hugs?” “Yes! I love it!” She took my payment and directed me to coffee pick up. While I was waiting, she walked around the counter and, “Can I have a hug?” “SURE!” and we hugged in a café full of people. She said thanks and went back to work, handing me my coffee. I got back in my car and headed home….the long way….along Sheridan Road, past the Baha’i Temple, Lake Michigan and beautiful homes all the while listening to old jazz and my girl Billie filling up my heart. Today was a reminder of my many gifts. A reminder of my blessings. A reminder of times gone by. I keep hoping that my daily excursions…. giving some hugs, spreading a little kindness and putting some love back into the universe…. create a little more peace for others. It certainly soothes my soul and replenishes my spirit. Peace. #tutulady #forwardisapace
Kristine Binder 