Tag: marriage

Divorcery

Kristine Binder

Today is my divorcery—the anniversary of the day I signed those papers, officially ending a marriage of over 20 years. It’s been eight years, and I’m finally at a place where I can look back, reflect, and truly celebrate the strength, freedom, and lessons I’ve gained from this journey.
Eight years ago, I stood in a courtroom, signing papers that I never imagined would mark the end of my marriage. Looking back now, I see all the things I did right, all the mistakes I made, and the immense personal growth that came from it.
I made mistakes—lots of them. During the marriage, and after. But one thing I’ve always done is take accountability for my actions. It took 748 days for our divorce to be finalized. Yes, you read that correctly … 748 days of struggle, of darkness, and of uncertainty. There were days when I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was drowning in overwhelm, anxiety, and depression. Some days, I could barely keep my head above water, just treading in the deep end. And on others, a wave would crash over me, pushing me under. I had to fight just to find the surface again.
Someone asked me recently about love, and I told them that love takes many forms. When they asked if I still loved my ex-husband, I answered, “It depends.” I love the gifts that came from our marriage—the beautiful children we created together, the family we built, and the lessons we learned. I love the person I was when I got married, and the good things we did. But do I love him? Absolutely not. The man he became, and the woman I grew into, are no longer the same people we were over 20 years ago. I have a deep respect for the past and the gifts it gave me, but in terms of romantic love? That’s not something I feel for him anymore.
Am I grateful for my divorce? Absolutely. A resounding HELL YES (I will say it loud and proud!). But is there still love? Yes, because love was there in the beginning, and it lives on in the family we built. For that, I’ll always be grateful.
Forgiveness has been a crucial part of this journey and is a daily process for me. I’ve forgiven myself for not knowing better. But once I knew better, I tried to do better. And I will continue to grow, change, and evolve into the woman I was meant to be. Looking back at this picture of me standing outside that courthouse eight years ago (taken my my attorney no less – Shoutout! You know who you are!), I see the woman who was a shell of herself. I didn’t even recognize her. But over time, I’ve filled her up. Slowly, but surely, I am rebuilding her. Expanding her.
Today, to celebrate, I took a long walk, no music, no puppy—just me, my thoughts, and the rhythm of my footsteps and breath. Running and walking meditation has been one of the most healing things I’ve done during these eight years. If you’d told me 10 years ago when it all started that this is where I’d be at the end of my divorce—celebrating eight years of reclaiming my name, my life, and my sense of self—I would’ve laughed. I would’ve said, “No way! I’m done.” But I didn’t give up. I kept going. One foot in front of the other. Sometimes in giant steps, sometimes in small ones, but always moving forward.
Now, after all these years, I get to live my life on my terms. Watching my kids grow into amazing humans has been the greatest gift of all—they are my pride and joy. Everything I did was to give them the freedom to live their best lives, making their own choices along the way.
And now, I get to build the life I always dreamed of, without compromise. The woman I am today carries the peace that comes from learning to trust myself again, from taking back control over my life and my future. Every day, I get to choose how I move forward, how I take up space, and how I show up for myself. This is my time. This is my life, and I’m finally living it on my terms.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Should

Kristine Binder


I SHOULD go to college.
I SHOULD move home.
I SHOULD take the job.
I SHOULD date the guy.
I SHOULD get married.
I have been ‘Shoulding” all over myself for years. I bought the message that I SHOULD do what others wanted me to do in order to make THEM happy. I stayed in my lane and did what was expected. My way of thinking I was being a rebel was instead of going to the Big 10 school, I went to the small Catholic College. Instead of moving home for long, I moved into an apartment I could not afford. Instead of taking the job with a public school, I went for the Catholic school that paid nothing. Instead of dating the guys that were stable, I chose the “bad boys” that paid attention to me. Instead of seeing the red flags right in front of me, I ignored them and married the man waving those flags. During my divorce, I SHOULD myself into making decisions I never would have made had I listened to and trusted myself.
I SHOULD myself into so many corners in my life to make others happy and gain their approval.
So I made a choice to stop.
I cleaned up the SHOULD and put it away.
I realized that once I stopped “SHOULDing” on myself, once I started trusting myself, I was happier. I was more fulfilled. It is not easy and it is often scary to trust myself. Honestly, things do not always go as planned and often go wrong but the blame for that lands solely on me.
I also realized that I was “SHOULDing” on my kids. I see them making what appear to me to be mistakes, but I have to allow them the freedom to make those choices and see what happens. Glennon Doyle write in her book Untamed, “A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter.“
I want to be a responsible parent and that means I have to stop SHOULDing on myself to make others happy. I need to stop being the obedient daughter because I want more for me and for my children.
I want my children, now young adults, to make choices based on the fact that they WANT to not because they SHOULD. I want them to be independent decision makers. The SHOULD cycle stops now.
So now when I am faced with a choice, I ask myself, “Am I doing this because I SHOULD do it (to meet someone else’s expectations) or do I WANT to do it(my choice)?” That question alone often stops me in my tracks and helps me refocus…from having a snack (should I eat this because it is lunch time(expected) or am I really hungry(I want it)?) to starting a business (should I do this because she wants me as a business partner or do I want to be a business owner?)
Taking back my WANT and putting away my SHOULD has been one of the biggest changes that has helped me move forward in my life.
Are you SHOULDing all over yourself? Is it time to clean up the SHOULD and take back the WANT? Together we can move forward with less SHOULD and more WANT!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forewardisapace