Tag: narcissistic abuse

Dreams

Kristine Binder

When I was little, I didn’t dream about a wedding. I didn’t plan out my future husband’s name or picture a white dress. While other girls were playing “bride,” I was cradling my dolls, changing their tiny outfits, and rocking them to sleep. I wasn’t playing house—I was playing mom.
Motherhood was always the dream.
As I got older, that didn’t change. I loved babies, and I mothered any child I could. My nephews and niece? I doted on them, cared for them, and soaked up every moment. Holding them, feeding them, soothing them—it felt natural. Right. Like I had stepped into a role that had always been meant for me.
Marriage, on the other hand? That was never part of the picture. It wasn’t that I was against it, but it simply wasn’t what I longed for. Some people dream of love stories, wedding bells, and the perfect partner. I dreamed of cradling a baby in my arms, of hearing the word “Mom” spoken with love and trust.
But life has a way of surprising us.
I did get married. I prayed for the white-picket-fence life—the partnership, the shared responsibilities, the happily ever after. But that’s not what I got. Instead, I got another child and most of the housework. I became a mother in every sense of the word, to my children and, in many ways, to my husband too. The marriage I envisioned—the one filled with teamwork and equal weight—never quite materialized.
And maybe that’s because I was never meant to be a wife.
But even as a mother—the one role I always knew I was meant for—I haven’t been perfect. I haven’t always been the mom I imagined myself being. I have made mistakes, ones that weigh heavy on my heart. There are moments I wish I could go back and change, things I would have done differently if I had known then what I know now.
Hindsight is always 20/20.
I know mistakes were made, but I’ve also learned from them. Instead of letting them define me, I’ve chosen to forgive myself and do better. To be better. Motherhood isn’t about perfection—it’s about growth, love, and showing up, even when you don’t get it right.
Is there psychology behind all of this? Maybe. Maybe it was the desire to love and be loved unconditionally. Maybe it was the innate pull to nurture, to protect, to guide. Or maybe—just maybe—I was simply born to be a mom.
And I truly believe that’s enough.
Some people are meant to be partners first. Others are meant to chase careers, passions, or adventures. Me? I was meant to be a mom. That was always my purpose, my calling, my heart’s greatest wish.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Lost

Kristine Binder

There are days when I focus on what I lost and days when I focus on all I gained. The good usually outweighs the bad, but some days I still wonder…
As a parent, I often found myself lost in the divorce process without any clear direction of my own. This lack of direction led me to miss out on precious opportunities and strained the relationships I had with my children. The old adage, “if you can see it, you can be it,” didn’t seem to apply to me. All I could see were my own flaws, inadequacies, and unresolved traumas. I had no one to turn to, no role model to guide me on how to be a better parent or even how to just be. In this process, I feel I failed my children and lost a part of them.
Watching my kids grow up and become independent has been both a source of immense pride and a bittersweet reminder of the time and connection I feel I lost. Our job as parents is to create independent adults who can navigate the world on their own, and in this, I believe I succeeded. I am incredibly proud of each of my children. They have grown into wonderfully productive and amazing adults. However, I often wish their growth had happened in a more nurturing and supportive environment rather than under the pressures and challenges we faced.
I can’t help but wonder how different things might have been. Would our relationships be stronger if circumstances had been different? Perhaps. But perhaps something else would have strained our bonds. It’s impossible to know for sure. What I do know is that once I was able to ‘just be their mom,’ I did my best with the tools and knowledge I had.
Parenting is a journey without a definitive guidebook. Each of us stumbles through it even in the best of circumstances, learning as we go, often making mistakes along the way. I have made many, and for those, I will continue to apologize. My hope is that someday, my children will offer me grace and forgiveness. In the meantime, I hold onto the moments of connection and the pride I feel for the incredible individuals they are and have become.
I realize that every parent faces their own struggles and triumphs. It’s easy to focus on the losses and the “what ifs”, but it’s equally important to acknowledge the gains and the growth. My children’s resilience and success are testaments to their strength and the unwavering love that I have always had, and always will have, for them. And for that, I am profoundly grateful.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

58

Kristine Binder

As I embark on another journey around the sun this week, I find myself reflecting on the 58 years I’ve spent on this planet. Last year, I shared 57 lessons I had learned, and while those remain true, I want to add one more:

58. Embrace the journey. Every twist, turn, and detour has its purpose.

This past year, I’ve truly embraced the journey. I welcomed people into my life and into my home, I let some of those same people(and others) go, I encouraged my children to spread their wings despite my fears, I took advantage of opportunities that scared me for all sorts of reasons from anxiety to financial, I took charge of situations that, had I not ‘done the work’ I would never have been capable of handling, I broke and I healed (more than once),  set new boundaries, and discovered the joy of my own company.
Getting older isn’t easy—it comes with its challenges. Yet, it’s also liberating. I have learned so much about myself, my life and my past that as I move forward, I have made peace with it all. Every day I see people that are so afraid of the aging process from skin to trauma. They fight for relevance and importance. If I died today, I would be ok with it. I am at peace with where I am in life and who I am. I know that I have made a lasting impact on this world. I also know that life will go on once I am gone….and I am really ok with that fact. 
Being at peace requires inner work—acceptance, love, letting go of the past, and acknowledging accomplishments. Yes, I still grapple with struggles; I’m only human. Surrounding myself with empowering women and seeking therapy keeps me accountable, fostering continual growth.
The next year is a mystery, and I’ve started it by manifesting new and exciting things. With an open heart and mind, I eagerly anticipate the lessons this year will bring.  What lesson will I learn this year to add to the list…..who knows, but let’s get started! Here’s to the journey ahead!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Eight

Kristine Binder

Eight.
Eight years ago I wrote what would become my last ‘family’ Christmas letter. I did not know at the time it would be my last letter, but what I did know is that my family was in the process of falling apart. For the previous 20 years I had written yearly letters that people would tell me that they anticipated receiving each year. Each year I would write a small paragraph about family updates and the remainder of the letter was about the true spirit of the season. 
I went back to reread that last letter and was brought right back to that time in my life. “Emmanuel….God with us. Emmanuel …God with me. This year there were plenty of times I wondered if God was with us or with me. As the world seems to become more and more unstable, I wonder where God is. I long to feel his presence in the chaos of the world and my own life.
This year was about trust, faith and finding God. As my children grow and change, I need to trust in my faith that they will find their path and find God on their own terms. I have to trust in my faith, finding God in my changing world as well. When the Angel Gabriel came to Mary she let go of the “why me” and looked to “what now?”. Desperate times call for desperate faith.  Fear did not hold her hostage or paralyze her faith. Mary had faith in God’s plan and found strength in his words.  She trusted that while she may not completely understand the path she would take, she just needed to put one foot in front of the other and let God show her the way. The angel Gabriel told Mary her son would be called Emmanuel, meaning God with us.  God wanted to immerse himself in our world to experience our fear, pain, and joy so that we could know his power, his wisdom, his forgiveness and his love.  Jesus, born that holy night long ago, is Emmanuel, God with us, Hope of the world. He is the Grace that saves us and the Love that heals us. He is the reminder that we are never alone.  God is at work in and around us. We may not see his hand, hear his voice, or understand his process but we can rest assured that he is leading the way…..Emmanuel. God IS with us.
During this season of Christmas, follow Mary’s example turning the “why me’s’ into “what now’s” Have faith in God’s plan for your life, finding strength in His word. Put one foot in front of the other letting God lead the way. Celebrate Emmanuel, God with us …and in you. May your new year be filled with gratitude, grace, happiness, opportunity, faith and peace.”
Over the last 8 years, a lot has transformed, yet a significant portion of my life remains unchanged. I’ve made some choices I am not proud of  and uttered words that I deeply wish I could retract, particularly in matters concerning my children. Conversely, I’ve also made decisions that fill me with immense pride, unearthing reservoirs of strength I never knew existed within me. Enduring years of therapy, delving into my emotions, and understanding the root causes of my behaviors have fundamentally altered me to my core. I’ve come to accept that I can’t alter the past, but what I can do is extract valuable lessons from it and move forward  in the best way possible. Observing the evolution of my own family during this 8-year span fills me with pride and directs my focus toward the future. When I first spoke to the court-appointed child advocate 8 years ago, my only request was simple: that my children stay together and receive the necessary therapy, regardless of what that looked like at the time. My foremost desire has always been for my children to lean on and rely on each other. Witnessing them now, they’ve become each other’s anchors and closest confidants. They may still fight fierce battles like cats and dogs, but they’ve also emerged as each other’s most steadfast 
Now that they have all gone off and are creating lives of their own, I cherish the small moments we spend together. I often take a step back, inhale deeply, and watch them together, thinking I am the luckiest mom on the planet. I really am so blessed as I continue to follow Mary’s example of “what now” continuously putting one foot in front of the other letting God lead the way. May your new year be filled with gratitude, grace, happiness, opportunity, faith and peace.
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Love

Kristine Binder

Self-love.
What would you do if someone else treated you the way you treat yourself? How would you react if someone criticized you the way you criticize yourself? How would it be if someone forced you into the same self-defeating behavior that you choose to do on your own? What if someone else prevented you from enjoying life as much as you deny enjoyment to yourself? You would, no doubt, be outraged. If you would never let someone else treat you that way, why do you allow yourself to do so? You have control over your own actions, your own thoughts, your own feelings. Stop defeating yourself. Allow yourself to live, permit yourself to succeed, let yourself enjoy life. Be good to yourself. You deserve it.
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace