Tag: women

Domestic

Kristine Binder

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month, which first began in 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. It was designed to raise awareness and empower others to speak up, speak out, and get help. Nearly three out of four Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence. Now is time to take a stand. Support survivors and speak out against domestic violence.
Domestic violence is more than physical violence. It is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Ending the harm, shame, and stigma of domestic violence requires an understanding of the behaviors that define it. It affects millions of every gender, race, religion, culture and status. It’s not just punches and black eyes — it’s yelling, humiliation, stalking, manipulation, coercion, threats and isolation. It’s stealing a paycheck, keeping tabs online, non-stop texting, constant use the silent treatment, or calling someone stupid so often they believe it. The mental wounds of Domestic Violence are invisible and run deep, with recovery often taking years of therapy.
Domestic Violence is:
Physical
Psychological
Financial
Verbal
Sexual
Digital
Stalking
Spiritual/Cultural
Damage to property
There are so many other forms of abuse and control, many that utilize the children. Once a victim has the courage to leave, they are often not safe and nor free, especially if there are children involved. Abusers use the children and the family court system in a variety of ways to continue the abuse.  The family court system is slow to change, thinking that ordering the abuser to attend anger management classes will address any issues thus correcting the abuser’s behavior. This only angers the abuser more thus empowering them in new ways.
To be clear, abusers never start out that way. They slowly, insidiously destroy the boundaries and self esteem of the victim. In a relationship with an abusive partner, the future-abuser has an agenda. And future-victim will not be aware until it’s too late. Those who abuse others are skilled manipulators who play on the fears and insecurities of others. They feed on the victims need for love and acceptance. They dish out kibbles here and there to keep the victim in line and coming back for more…..just like a casino! Lose every time you visit the casino? You stop going. You need the hope and promise of a win to continue going back. Victims always hold out hope that the abuser will change. Abusers groom victims to trust them, they learn the victims’ weaknesses and use that knowledge as fuel for further control.
What does Domestic Violence look like? It looks like the neighbor who wears a lot of makeup and long sleeves to cover bruises and then lies about how she got those injuries. It looks like the friend that never can go out with friends or when he does, he has to share a location with his partner at all times all the while his phone is blowing up. It looks like the lady in the checkout line who will not speak without looking at her partner first. It looks like a teenager who changes their whole personality for a partner. It looks like the friend who is isolated from friends and family by their partner. It looks like the depressed anxious person who can nor seem to focus, fearful of doing/saying the wrong thing, forever walking on eggshells. It looks like the one that is posting about how perfect life is…..It looks like me.
People who haven’t lived through this kind of trauma will always ask, “Why don’t they just leave?” It’s not that easy — if it was, they would. Choosing to leave an abusive partner is arguably the most life-changing and empowering decisions a person can make, especially if children are involved. Finally, the victim chooses to become a survivor. Victims live in fear and shame. The decision to leave is one that they will ponder many times before actually being courageous enough to actually leave. A nonjudgmental place of safety is what every victim craves. .
What can others do to support victims of Domestic Violence?
Watch for the signs. Start a conversation. Listen to them. Just listen. Do not pressure them. Do not tell them what to do. Do not blame them. Although your natural impulse may be to “rescue” someone from domestic violence, the person being abused needs to make the ultimate decision whether and when to leave and get help. Support them no matter their decision and continue to provide them with a loving and safe place. Once they do feel supported and safe, they will eventually make a life-changing choice. Always…
LISTEN TO THEM!
LOVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
We need to break the cycle of violence. We need to continue sharing stories, listening, supporting and loving, all the while raising awareness, empowering victims to become survivors and thrivers. Lives depend on it!
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace





Stories

Kristine Binder

I met a woman through a mutual friend. She said she was divorced as well and while we talked, I realized she was holding back. As her kids ran towards the water, I said “Tell me more.”
She said a few things and then looked at me sideways…..
“You get it! You understand…..I can just tell….. “
And then the real conversation began….
We as women need to own our truth and our story. When we do, we allow other women to do the same especially the women that surround us. Our story may not always be pretty but impression management has gotten a better of us. I know because I did it for years. We use social media to manage other people’s vision of us which has made it worse. While we are looking for the carefully curated photo and post, we have lost ourselves. We want others to believe our life is perfect, but that is not reality. That further widens the divide.  Other women feel they can not relate to our lives….when, in-fact, if we were more real, we would realize we have far more in common. 
The women that I love and relate most to are those that are imperfect. They own their story making them the bravest, most badass warriors in my eyes.  I may not know all the details of the story or those imperfections but I know that they struggle with all sorts of different issues. I know that their life is not all sunshine and rainbows, Again they may not share all the gritty details but I know they’ve been through some shit. I can relate to and admire that authenticity.  
We women need to own our story. Good, the bad and the ugly. We all have chapters that are short, some are shorter than others. We all have those long chapters we thought would never end. We have chapters that we only write in draft form and never share. We have some chapters, the details of which, have only been shared with those that are closest with us. All those chapters make up who we are as a human. 
There will always be those that want to tell our story for us.  Some that tell stories that are not theirs to tell and stories they do not understand. We can not stop them.  What we can do is fearlessly own our story and live our truth allowing our strength, truth, honesty and transparency to inspire others. 
Let’s stop worrying about what other people think. Those closest to us know the truth, appreciate our honesty and will love us unconditionally.  
 Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Elephants

Kristine Binder
David Yarrow Photography

A few years ago I read a story shared by Jen Hatmaker and Nicole Nordeman. It was a story of female elephants. When I read it at that time, I thought, “Huh….that sure is interesting. I am so glad she has a tribe like that.” And moved on with my life.
This past week, Jen made the announcement that she and her husband were getting divorced, thus the story surfaced again. This time when I read the story, it really got me thinking about women, support and how we show it.
In summary, female elephants are amazing badass creatures. In the wild, female elephants travel in packs. When a female elephant is giving birth, she is surrounded by a tribe of female elephants. They back in, closing in so tightly around her that she can’t be seen. They stomp and kick up dirt in order to fiercely protect her. The females surround the mama and incoming baby in protection, sending a clear signal to predators that if they want to attack their friend while she is vulnerable, they’ll have to get through tons of female aggression first. Female elephants only take this formation while under attack by predators, or during the birth of a new elephant.
Since Jen’s announcement of her impending divorce, the women that follow her have closed ranks around her. Hundreds of people have sent messages of love and support to this woman. So I thought, what if that happened to all women? What if, when a woman announced something such as a divorce or difficult life change, we surrounded her with love and support instead of pity and judgement? What if, rather than gossiping about the why of it all, we discuss ways we can assist her? What if, rather than asking questions, we listen….better yet…just sit with each other in the discomfort of it all?
We women all have our own insecurities and worries that often get the better of us. However, instead of playing into the stereotypical drama that so many expect, why not be more supportive of one another? We should be celebrating the success of other women, and helping to carry their load when it becomes too heavy to carry alone. We need to commit to one another that when things get tough, that we will circle up to protect each other. There is enough love, success, and prosperity for all of us.  Every woman needs female friendships. Every woman needs women she can depend on and be vulnerable with. Let’s be women who love, protect and encourage other women keeping our eyes and hearts open for women who need us. Let’s protect and support one another following the example of the badass female elephants.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Resilience

Kristine Binder

Over the years people have tried to break me down. Tried to break my spirit. Tried to change the woman that I am. And there have been times where I have forgotten who that woman is. I have lost myself in it all.
When I get knocked down, I may crack and break a bit. I may even fall apart. However, what those people don’t realize is that I am resilient. When I do get knocked down, I rarely stay down for long. I pull myself together and begin to repair the broken places. Those cracks and breaks allow light to get in, healing to happen and new growth to take place! It is where and how I grow back even stronger! I rise, and when I rise, I rise like the phoenix from the ashes….stronger and more determined than ever before.
Women are resilient. We are more resilient that we often give ourselves credit for. From a young age we are conditioned by archaic gender roles. We are taught to “stay in our lane”, be “pretty”, “proper,” “polite,” “delicate,” and “selfless” among other things. And we have forgotten who we really are and our intrinsic value.
We women need to be reminded of our resilience and strength. Women can change the world and make a difference at all while wearing a pair of heels(or flats/work boots/sandals/flipflops/shit kickers….) and, while women may occasionally lose their balance, they will never be counted out. We women need to reclaim our power. We need to own our voice and our story. We need to demand our seat at the HEAD of the table.
Women that are too difficult need to keep asking the tough questions and demanding straight answers. Women that are “bossy” need to keep leading the way for others. That assertive woman needs to keep pushing the envelope. That difficult woman needs to keep telling the truth loudly and unapologetically.
Women are powerful when we believe in ourselves and each other. We are unstoppable when we channel our energy towards a positive purpose. Sometimes we need to be reminded of that power. We women do better when we support one another, reminding each other of the resilience and strength we carry within. We need to hold up a mirror to each other and say “The bad ass in me sees and honors the bad ass in you!”
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace