Six years. So much can change in 6 years. So much learning and so much growth. I’ve learned that getting divorced sucks but being divorced is a whole new world of freedom. 6 years ago when I was barely breathing and trying to hold it together while my world fell apart I could never have even imagined a night like last night. But when you learn the art of manifestation from your son, you learn that life can be an amazing adventure. Learning to move forward has been the biggest blessing and taken me places I never thought possible. I take none of it for granted. On a cool fall evening, I sat at a table along the Chicago river. I took a deep breath and took it all in. The table was filled with the most accomplished women. I was honored to be sitting with them and now blessed to call them all friend. These women teach me to own my story and the chapter I am currently writing. They teach me that I am not only deserving of love but I am worthy of all the good that comes to me in my life. They teach me that in order to continue to move forward, I must embrace the next steps. They teach me that growth is scary but I need to not just lean in to saying yes more often but jump in, saying “Fuck Yes”! At the head of the table was a woman who saw something in me years ago and thought I deserved to be at that table. She taught me to ‘just be a mom.’ She taught me to trust myself. She teaches my every day that I still have a long way to go, a lot to learn and a lot of goals that need accomplishing. She is teaching to say #FuckYes to life a lot more often(and Hell No to the couch). For that and so much more, I am forever grateful. #tutulady #forwardisapace
Today we would have celebrated 27 years together. Our 20th was our last one together and I knew it would be our last. I actually knew weeks, months and years before but that day sealed the deal. I had spent too many days racing to keep up and cover up. I had spent every ounce of my energy trying to please a man who was constantly moving the goal post. Why? He was never happy. He could not ever be happy. He was always envious of others and angry as caged animal. I was asked recently if I missed any of it. Did I miss being married? Did I miss my “family”? I wanted to give the the scorned wife response first, you know, the one that people expect …..NO…I can’t stand him and what he has done to all of us. But that anger has waned and turned to pity over the years. Do I miss being married? Not really. I mean I do not miss MY marriage at all. It was abusive and soul crushing. It robbed me of so many parts of myself. So, no I do not miss my marriage. Would I get married again? Perhaps….never say never, right?! Do I miss my “Family”? Family is in quotes because we never really were a true family. We were adults that created tiny humans that I raised while my wasband was out doing whatever he wanted. Dinners together once a week if we were lucky and holidays with extended family. That was about it. Family vacations? Those were visits to my parents home and even when there, he was still doing his own thing. Do I still love him? Nope. I do not even like the man anymore. I see him now and wonder what I ever saw in him. He is no longer attractive and the fact that I know how dark and cruel he is? That makes it worse. What I do love is the children he gave me, both by birth and by marriage. I consider my 5 children the greatest thing to come from our marriage. However, they, like me, did not come out the other side unscathed. They have lasting trauma of their own to deal with. I, too, was not a perfect parent during those years, but I own that and will spend the rest of my life attempting to heal those wounds with each of my kids. But I digress… 20 years of marriage. I got married at a time when that was the expectation. Female independence and single parenting were frowned upon. The world today is a much different place for young women like my daughters. I have told each one that they should not race to the altar and that making the choice to get married is huge. It is more than the pintrest/insta photos. It is not just one event one day. The choice to get married is a legal and binding contract. When I got married, I was told it was for better or worse. I got only a little bit of the ‘better’ and a whole lot of the ‘worse’. I was like that lobster that is put in the pot and then the heat is turned on…..the water got hot so slowly, I did not realize it until it was at a full boil….and even then I was in denial. I did not realize I was in an abusive relationship because…well… I was ‘not the type’ and ‘he doesn’t hit me’ but the abuse was real and the trauma extensive. Therapy has brought me through to the other side. I still live with a sense of what Brene Brown calls “foreboding joy.” “Foreboding joy” is when you dread joy whenever you have a good thing, and you begin to question and poison the moment with your worst fears. It is dress rehearsal for tragedy. It’s preparing for the worst even when things are at their best. Along with foreboding joy, I have difficulty trusting others as well as myself and a mentality of scarcity (especially with money). All of these lingering effects of my marriage are issues that I continue to work on in therapy. They are a small price to pay for the freedom I have now. The woman I am now…after only 6 years of freedom is only a fraction of the woman I want to become. I am so proud of the road that I have traveled in such a short time and even more proud of myself as I continue to move forward every day. It is not easy but it was so worth it! I am in love with the mother, sister, friend, and woman I am becoming! So today I celebrate. I celebrate those years I was married, the lessons I learned over those years and the gifts of my children I was given during that marriage. It was not time wasted. It was time passed. And now it is time to live life on my own terms so I celebrate! Peace. #tutulady #forwardisapace
Four years ago today I ran what would be my last marathon. I did not know that at the time but I had an idea….I was tired. Training is difficult, time consuming and takes a toll on the body. I just could not sit on the sidelines. The FOMO was real and I needed to be out there on Marathon day….so what is a girl to do? VOLUNTEER! Two years ago my friend Khit asked for help with her aide station and jumped at the chance. I was put in charge of Gatotrade. Now, to some that would not be a big deal, but to me it was huge. I was in change of a battalion of volunteers that mix, pour and serve Gatorade to runners. Mixing it correctly is important…too weak and runners do not get enough nourishment. Too strong and runners get sick. Prepping table to serve it all is a big deal as well. Layers of cups are filled and often blow off the tables. The day is long and starts early. I was up and ready to go by 4:30am, finishing about 12:30/1pm. And yes….wearing the tutu! In between all that time, we are serving and cheering runners. Our aide station is about mile 12. Today it was unusually busy, even though the number of runners was lower than in past years. Why? Medical tent. Today was hot and humid. The conditions went from yellow to red as the day progressed and that progression was evident in the faces and bodies of runners. Spotting hurting runners and keeping spectators off the course as well as out of the medical area was a full time job today. I mean….people do not like to be told no and feel a bit entitled sometimes. I was called a bitch 39 times. I was shooting for an even 40 but….it is a dream deferred! Like the Cub fan I am…there is always next year! I was cheering runners all morning. The elite runners are a site to behold but the wheelchair athletes, endurance athletes, and those with special needs? Those folks are my inspiration! “You got this!” “Today is your Day!” “You are going to finish and get a medal today!” “You look so strong and amazing!” I shouted and high fived runners as they passed for hours. Eventually a spectator called me over to the side. She looked at her young son and said, “tell her what you just said…” The teacher in my thinks she is trying to teach a lesson…..and yes, she was. “I said that you are really inspirational. If I were running this, you would make me feel so good.” I stood, stunned for a minute and replied, “These runners are MY inspiration. I know what is takes to train for and run a marathon. It is not easy and someday WHEN you run the marathon, I will be right her to cheer you on!” He smiled and so did I….and then I was back to cheering on the runners. I saw 2 of my former students running (one of which cheered for me once before!). I saw my friend, the running priest! I saw so many friends who knew just where I would be. The two most important, my BRF (best running friend) and another running buddy of ours gave me tight long sweaty hugs that I will never forget. The transfer of energy was electric! As the end drew near, there were still runners on the course….walking now but determined to finish. We started to break things down and clean up and the crowds thinned. I took a moment, standing in the middle of the street and took it all in…all that had been accomplished by not only the runners, but the volunteers as well. The Chicago Marathon only happens because so many people work so hard in tandem with others to make it all possible. It is no small operation. Once everything was picked up and packed up, it was time to say goodbye and head home. Another year in the books. My heart is so full. Peace #tutulady #forwardisapace
In the early stages of my divorce I was so deep in my trauma that my response was to over explain and/or justify my behaviors. It was something my therapist and I worked on a great deal. She wanted me to learn to count to 10 before responding to my kids, a text, an email….. I tried it…… The whole counting to 10 thing did nothing but frustrate me. 10… 9…..8…. fuck. this. shit! I’m done. By the time I got to three I had inevitably done something or said something I would later regret. I was reading everything given to my by my therapist and others. I was trying all the suggestions. I was depressed, overwhelmed, anxious, abused and deep in trauma. I was on the couch one day flipping through the channels and stopped on Mel Robbin’s talk show. I felt like she was talking to me. So I pulled out my phone and googled her. The 5 Second Rule came up with a link to her Ted Talk. I clicked the link and watched. “The 5-second rule is simple. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill it. …. Hesitation is the kiss of death. You might hesitate for a just nanosecond, but that’s all it takes. That one small hesitation triggers a mental system that’s designed to stop you. And it happens in less than—you guessed it—five seconds.” 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins That was it…..I didn’t need 10 seconds. I needed 5. I needed 5 seconds to change my thoughts, take action, make a move, maybe even not respond at all. Therefore I adopted the Five Second Rule. I counted down from five when I could not get off the couch or out of bed. I counted down from five before responding to emails, texts or comments. I counted down from five when I needed to make a choice. I counted down from five over and over…… I realized that counting down from 5 offered me to allow myself, and others, grace. I could take action or slow my responses. So I started saying the word “grace” five times before taking action. It was working. And then I realized that the word ‘grace” has five letters. So I started spelling out the word grace. Slow and steady. That gave me time to think and not get frustrated. I had time to chose my next step…or just force myself to take a step. I could choose how I wanted to respond, or not respond at all. Grace. I was now giving myself, and others, grace. Even when others did not or do not respond with grace, I could and did. I have learned a great deal about myself and others over the past few years. But one of the most important things I have learned is grace…..with myself and others. Next time you are tempted to respond out of emotion, the next time you feel paralyzed, take 5 seconds and spell the word grace. You will realize that you are able respond from a place of understanding and grace. Peace #tutulady #forwardisapace
Four years ago, at 4:19pm my high conflict, 748 day divorce battle was officially finalized by the judge. Happy 4th Divorcery to ME! Each year on this day, I celebrate the end of my over 20 year marriage and beginning of my new life. If someone had told me on that day in 2017 how much would change in my life, I would never have believed them. I actually laughed that day and thought that freedom just felt good enough for me. Over the course of our 20 year marriage, my wasband was unfaithful numerous times and I always looked the other way. I knew it would never last long, and truth be told, I was focused on my kids and did not have the time or energy to deal with his nonsense. I have told my story many times now and continue to tell it as to educate and empower others. Earlier in the week I wrote a post about an event in August of 2014 that put things in motion. He yelled at me in public. He was comfortable enough and empowered enough to demean me in public…..and that was pivotal. I spent the following month questioning everything. October of 2014 was our 20 year anniversary and we went to dinner (his favorite place not mine) and midway through dinner, several of his buddies joined us. Yes, I was celebrating my anniversary …3 men and me! As the days and weeks progressed, I started asking more questions about money, bills, and changes on credit cards. I started asking questions about work hours and over time. I started looking for proof that the cheating was not in my head this time….that I was not “crazy” (as he called me over and over) Christmas that year lead to physical battles over checkbooks, bills and cashflow. I was not allowed to have access to the checking account because I was “bad with money” and given an allowance even though I was a full time working professional. Spring brought more bills, more utility disconnections, more unexplained (lies) charges and more fighting. I continued to compile evidence. May of 2015 was D-Day. I confronted him which led to a huge fight. I moved his things down to the ‘extra’ bedroom. We lived in a war zone for weeks until I went away for a few days with the kids. When I got back he had taken several plastic tubs of clothing and left. July 23, 2015, I filed for divorce and he was served. 748 days later, our divorce was final. 1,461 days later, I am free. The past 4 years have not been easy. I have done a lot of work on myself and made a great deal of changes in my life. I have given up on worrying about other people’s expectations of me. I have given up carrying baggage that is not mine to carry or is just too damn heavy for me to carry alone. I have given up the feelings of shame and failure that often accompany being divorced. I have given up the anger that I was not enough. I have given up the sadness that I wasted years of my life. I have given up regrets. I am slowly reclaiming parts of the woman I once was and rebuilding my life. I am creating new and better relationships with each of my children as well as my friends. I am finding new things I love about teaching and returning to my roots in education. I am realizing that I have gifts and talents that need exploration. I am constantly being reminded by those that love me that I am worth my own time, effort and love. That I am worthy, I matter and not to devalue myself. I was asked recently if I would date/love again. The answer is complicated. It is not a simple yes or no. I am in love with my life (even the shitty, difficult, uncomfortable parts) and enjoy my own company. I would love to share my life with someone, however, that person would have to add value and not complicate the life I have and am creating for myself. That is a tall order but I believe that person is out there. I have not given up on love! Each day of this new life is a gift and I do not take even one minute for granted. I try to live it all to the fullest. I take chances and make mistakes. I learn from my mistakes and move forward…one step at a time. This 4 year Divorcery is one of the best yet! I continue to grow and make progress! Each day brings more joy, more love, more happiness! So today, just like each year on this day, I remember the courage it took to free myself. I remember how hard I fought to save my family. I remember how hard I fought to save myself and create a better life for my children. I remember the mistakes I made and all the lessons I learned in the process. Instead of focusing on the pain, I find comfort in the good times and growth. I know, deep in my soul, that I am stronger and capable of so much more than I ever imagined. I am moving forward, focused on the future. If I can do it, anyone can! I am here to inspire, assist and support you in any way possible! I am courageous. I am brave. I am empowered. I am free. And you can be too! Peace #tutulady #forwardisapace
Kristine Binder 