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Advice

Kristine Binder

Advice. We give it and we get a LOT of it…especially when it comes to parenting. Moms get so much advice from the moment they disclose they are in the process of becoming a parent. No matter how a women chooses to become a mother, there is plenty of advice(and criticism) to be given. As children grow, so does the amount or advice…and criticism.
Over 5 years ago, I chose to leave a toxic, abusive marriage. It was a horrible process during which I lost my way many times and almost lost my kids. I was grasping at straws, fighting tooth and nail to hold on to my sanity as well as my kids. In the midst of it all, I received one of the wisest pieces of advice, one I will live by for the rest of my life, from the most unlikely source….the court appointed child representative for my kids, Beth McCormack.
“Just be their mom……”
she said and continued, “They know you love them but they are hurting too…..just be their mom and keep loving them…..”
She repeated, “Just be their mom…” many times through the course of my very messy divorce. At first it frustrated me when she would say it because I was so angry and confused. I thought I was being their mom. I thought I was loving them. And I was….but I could not see it. I wanted her to tell me exactly what to do…..and she was. But I did not realize it.
“Just be their mom……”
I may not have always been the best mom, the mom my kids wanted or the mom my kids needed but I have, and will always, love them. What I needed was help to refocus and trust myself.
“Just be their mom……”
As moms we really do know our children best. I have often spoken to women over the years about trusting the “mom gut.” Trusting that intuition takes strength and support. Moms are often overwhelmed and afraid. We worry about the criticism and judgment of others when what we need to focus on is our children.
“Just be their mom……”
When we mother, and not smother, we love our kids. When we mother, creating reasonable boundaries, we love our kids. When we mother, setting individual expectations, we love our kids. When we mother, creating opportunities for failures, consequences, successes and celebrations, we love our kids. When we mother, accepting each as a unique human, we love our kids. When we mother, trusting our own intuition and gut, we love our kids.
“Just be their mom……”
Now, more than ever, women need each other. We are all struggling in one way or another. Women, in general, have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Moms are making choices that are right their family and already doubt themselves enough. We need to lift each other up, help and support one another rather than criticize each other for the difficult choices we are having to make. So when another mom asks you what to do, respond with the best advice ever……
“Just be their mom……”
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Fall

Kristine Binder

After school today, I headed out for my run. It was overcast and I was hoping to beat the rain. About a half mile from home, it started to sprinkle a bit. I turned to head home and stepped right into a puddle! While I was busy cursing my stupidity, I felt my other foot get wet….yup stepped in another puddle. The curse words were flowing ….I can string them together better than any sailor! Then I just started to laugh…..I could not get any more wet (ok, I could and did) but at this point, it was not really raining hard…just an annoying cold, raw drizzle so I started to walk. I pulled out my phone and changed my playlist. I switched from my running playlist to a playlist of classical female composers (listen here) and started walking. I needed to slow it down.
As I walked, I started to look around. I realized that the streets were empty and quiet. The rain had chased everyone indoors. I could smell fireplaces burning, dinners cooking, wet leaves and the rain. I could hear the raindrops hitting my jacket. I watched my happy, muddy, wet dog proudly carry his ball.
I live for a run on a cool, crisp, sunny fall day. It is one of my favorite things in the world. But running (or walking) in the rain on a cold raw fall day has its own endearing qualities. The colors of the fall trees against grey skies seem to be so much more rich and vibrant. The freedom of not having to avoid other people. The peace of being alone with your thoughts. I love it all!
As I walked, I thought about how a simple shift in mindset can change so much. I started off wet and cold and wanted to head home. But I ‘turned that frown upside down.’ Not in a “Pollyanna” way but in a real world “It can’t get anymore wet” way. I chose to make the best of the situation.
Take the opportunity to change your perspective. See the upside. Find the silver lining. Life is not always good but there is good in every day.
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Pictures

Kristine Binder

I love pictures! I have photos all over my home. Framed images of a moment in time that was captured forever. Looking at a photo brings back all the memories. I love pictures…just not pictures of me!
I grew up in the the era of cameras and film on a spool. The time of dark rooms and self developing. The days of photomats and ordering duplicates. Way back when we had to wait to see if there were any “good”(or incriminating!) photos and to see what we actually did at that party! I remember ordering pictures and having to request color or black and white. I remember wasting a whole roll of film on over/under exposure, running out of film, and a dead camera battery. I came of age in the era of digital cameras which moved to cell phone cameras. The cameras on cell phones are so advanced now that It is a rare occasion for me to drag out my trusty Nikon.
I love being behind that camera taking the photos. It is where I feel safe. Looking at life through the lens provides a completely different perspective. Therein lies my dilemma. Being a business owner and coach, people want to see photos of me. That makes me uncomfortable. I have spent years looking at the person in the mirror and being so cruel to that girl.
Growing up I was picked on and teased a lot for the way I looked. I was the “fat girl,” the girl with the big butt, the girl with the “brace face,” the one that never really fit in. As I grew older I projected this persona of confidence, the loud life of the party. Inside, I was slowly dying. I was constantly worried about what people were saying about me behind my back. Back then I knew nothing about anxiety so I starved myself, made a tons of crappy choices, drank, went out with bad boys, and kept everyone at arms length so they could not see my weakness.
That anxiety and cover up spiraled into a marriage to a “badboy.” I thought the feelings of insecurity would go away once I got married. Nope….things only got worse. I became a mom and thought the insecurity would go away. Nope….things only got worse. The person I thought was the love of my life used my weakness to gain an advantage over me. I could not do anything right. I was a “failure as a mom.” I needed to get in shape and was “too fat” for my own good. My hair was too long/too short/no blonde enough. The list was endless and the negative comments were never ending. Slowly it all wore me down. I lost myself. I disappeared behind the camera lens. There are many lost years where there are no photos of me with my family or my kids.
Fast forward to this past week….I stood in the background on a trip to the apple orchard watching my teens take photos of themselves. I stood and watched as they “hyped” each other, fixing clothes and hair for each other and suggesting poses. It was a joy to watch them! Then I mustered up all my courage and asked them to take a photo of me. They all “hyped” me up and helped me pose. I was afraid to look at the photos and waited until I got home. I chose one to post and still looked at what was “imperfect” but not them….they saw what was beautiful. Sure they filter and facetune their photos but for the most part, they post photos of themselves with abandon! Me? I just post the photo they tell me is “the one!”
I shared with them my feelings about photos and how I hate photos of myself. Vulnerability is uncomfortable but I am pushing myself! They suggested another photo shoot at the house. I needed photos for the website so I agreed. I mean if I hated the photos, it cost me nothing but time, not like the old days!. So I let the kids play. They did my makeup, styled my outfit and my “look” then took the photos. They told me how sit, smile and where to look. I was soooo uncomfortable but we had fun and got some great photos (according to the kids!) Honestly, if there is one things kids today know how to do, it is get the right angle and find the light for the camera.
What I didn’t realize until I was on the outside of the frame looking in was that I was looking for a place to belong and someone to love me. I spent years looking for someone to tell me I was beautiful and mean it. For someone to tell me I am perfect just the way I am.
I grew up but never grew into my own skin. It took therapy, being on my own and the love of my kids to help me realize that the person I was looking for was right in front of me all along. She was staring me right in the face. It was ME. I needed to love me. I needed to accept me. I needed to see my own beauty. I needed to love that girl I was looking at in the mirror.
I still look at photos of me and see the imperfections. But I also see the beauty that is far more than skin deep. I finally love the myself and the skin I am in. So take all the photos. Ask others to take pictures of you. Delete the ones you don’t like. Keep more than you delete. And post the ones that make you happy. That photo is only a moment in time but the memories are forever!
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Home

Kristine Binder

Home. Sometimes you just have to run home. This weekend I ran home. I ran to my running home. I ran to my running family.
When I decided to run my first marathon I trained alone. I read some books and found a training plan that was manageable. I learned a lot that year and then joined a training group (how that happened is another story for another day!). What I didn’t realize at time was that joining that group would change my life. That group would become my chosen family. My running family.
3 years ago I ran what I now realize was my last marathon. If I had known it would be my last, I would have done things a little differently. No regrets…just some changes. I have signed up and trained since that last marathon but injuries took me out. My running family has always been supportive and ever present even when I thought I didn’t need them.
Saturday I ran home. I went back to the group I call family and the path I call home. The Chicago Marathon this year is virtual and some from the group were running the virtual marathon on the path. I returned to the group with my 4 legged running buddy wearing my tutu! I ran out on the path for a few miles and met up with runners on the last “leg” of the marathon. I walked with and supported the runners as best I know how. I realized it was where I belonged! I was cheering them on home!
I watched as many friends crossed the finish line in an entirely personal fashion. No throngs of people cheering as runners climbed Mount Roosevelt. No “official” finish line. No long walks to water, bananas and family. But what those runners did have was their kids running across the finish line with them. Family right there to hug them at the finish. And a full selection of treats other than bananas! It was amazing!
Today is National Coming Out Day. I know you are wondering what that has to do with running and marathons. Well, as I thought about running home, I realized that so many LQBTQIA+ people do not have a home to run to or even a safe place to run to. Runners, especially marathon runners, run for a reason. Each marathon I run for charity and then dedicate each mile to a special person. Today I ran the Pride Stride 5K, however, I felt called to run more…so I did! I ran for every person who does not feel safe coming out yet. I ran for those without a safe place to call home. I ran for all those who have come out only to be shamed and rejected. I ran……
Working with Free Mom Hugs, I have heard stories from the LQBTQIA+ community that have broken my heart and brought me to my knees. Feeling unloved or incapable of being loved is agonizing and traumatizing. Being forced to live life hidden away, unable to walk in truth, not being accepted and/or judged by family and friends leads to mental health issues, alcoholism, drug abuse and many other self destructive behaviors. As a parent it is our job to love and accept the child we have…not the one we wished we had or the one we wished we were as a kid. Thus, as a Mama Bear(an ally), I accept, hug (virtual now!) and love all LQBTQIA+ people, reminding them that they are worthy, they belong, they matter and they are loved as they are for who they are.
I have stepped into my role as coach, cheerleader and ally with the same determination and dedication as marathon training. This weekend I did not run a marathon but I ran for others. I supported others. I cheered for others. I may or may not run another marathon (never say never) but I know I will always have my chosen family and can always run home. I know that I can and will always provide a safe place for others.
Today I ran 6.2 miles in a tutu with my running buddy (wearing a cape and carrying his ball)! I ran in celebration of love, family, acceptance, belonging, endurance, and because we all deserve a place to run home to.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Domestic

Kristine Binder

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month, which first began in 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. It was designed to raise awareness and empower others to speak up, speak out, and get help. Nearly three out of four Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence. Now is time to take a stand. Support survivors and speak out against domestic violence.
Domestic violence is more than physical violence. It is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Ending the harm, shame, and stigma of domestic violence requires an understanding of the behaviors that define it. It affects millions of every gender, race, religion, culture and status. It’s not just punches and black eyes — it’s yelling, humiliation, stalking, manipulation, coercion, threats and isolation. It’s stealing a paycheck, keeping tabs online, non-stop texting, constant use the silent treatment, or calling someone stupid so often they believe it. The mental wounds of Domestic Violence are invisible and run deep, with recovery often taking years of therapy.
Domestic Violence is:
Physical
Psychological
Financial
Verbal
Sexual
Digital
Stalking
Spiritual/Cultural
Damage to property
There are so many other forms of abuse and control, many that utilize the children. Once a victim has the courage to leave, they are often not safe and nor free, especially if there are children involved. Abusers use the children and the family court system in a variety of ways to continue the abuse.  The family court system is slow to change, thinking that ordering the abuser to attend anger management classes will address any issues thus correcting the abuser’s behavior. This only angers the abuser more thus empowering them in new ways.
To be clear, abusers never start out that way. They slowly, insidiously destroy the boundaries and self esteem of the victim. In a relationship with an abusive partner, the future-abuser has an agenda. And future-victim will not be aware until it’s too late. Those who abuse others are skilled manipulators who play on the fears and insecurities of others. They feed on the victims need for love and acceptance. They dish out kibbles here and there to keep the victim in line and coming back for more…..just like a casino! Lose every time you visit the casino? You stop going. You need the hope and promise of a win to continue going back. Victims always hold out hope that the abuser will change. Abusers groom victims to trust them, they learn the victims’ weaknesses and use that knowledge as fuel for further control.
What does Domestic Violence look like? It looks like the neighbor who wears a lot of makeup and long sleeves to cover bruises and then lies about how she got those injuries. It looks like the friend that never can go out with friends or when he does, he has to share a location with his partner at all times all the while his phone is blowing up. It looks like the lady in the checkout line who will not speak without looking at her partner first. It looks like a teenager who changes their whole personality for a partner. It looks like the friend who is isolated from friends and family by their partner. It looks like the depressed anxious person who can nor seem to focus, fearful of doing/saying the wrong thing, forever walking on eggshells. It looks like the one that is posting about how perfect life is…..It looks like me.
People who haven’t lived through this kind of trauma will always ask, “Why don’t they just leave?” It’s not that easy — if it was, they would. Choosing to leave an abusive partner is arguably the most life-changing and empowering decisions a person can make, especially if children are involved. Finally, the victim chooses to become a survivor. Victims live in fear and shame. The decision to leave is one that they will ponder many times before actually being courageous enough to actually leave. A nonjudgmental place of safety is what every victim craves. .
What can others do to support victims of Domestic Violence?
Watch for the signs. Start a conversation. Listen to them. Just listen. Do not pressure them. Do not tell them what to do. Do not blame them. Although your natural impulse may be to “rescue” someone from domestic violence, the person being abused needs to make the ultimate decision whether and when to leave and get help. Support them no matter their decision and continue to provide them with a loving and safe place. Once they do feel supported and safe, they will eventually make a life-changing choice. Always…
LISTEN TO THEM!
LOVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
BELIEVE THEM!
We need to break the cycle of violence. We need to continue sharing stories, listening, supporting and loving, all the while raising awareness, empowering victims to become survivors and thrivers. Lives depend on it!
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace