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Should

Kristine Binder


I SHOULD go to college.
I SHOULD move home.
I SHOULD take the job.
I SHOULD date the guy.
I SHOULD get married.
I have been ‘Shoulding” all over myself for years. I bought the message that I SHOULD do what others wanted me to do in order to make THEM happy. I stayed in my lane and did what was expected. My way of thinking I was being a rebel was instead of going to the Big 10 school, I went to the small Catholic College. Instead of moving home for long, I moved into an apartment I could not afford. Instead of taking the job with a public school, I went for the Catholic school that paid nothing. Instead of dating the guys that were stable, I chose the “bad boys” that paid attention to me. Instead of seeing the red flags right in front of me, I ignored them and married the man waving those flags. During my divorce, I SHOULD myself into making decisions I never would have made had I listened to and trusted myself.
I SHOULD myself into so many corners in my life to make others happy and gain their approval.
So I made a choice to stop.
I cleaned up the SHOULD and put it away.
I realized that once I stopped “SHOULDing” on myself, once I started trusting myself, I was happier. I was more fulfilled. It is not easy and it is often scary to trust myself. Honestly, things do not always go as planned and often go wrong but the blame for that lands solely on me.
I also realized that I was “SHOULDing” on my kids. I see them making what appear to me to be mistakes, but I have to allow them the freedom to make those choices and see what happens. Glennon Doyle write in her book Untamed, “A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter.“
I want to be a responsible parent and that means I have to stop SHOULDing on myself to make others happy. I need to stop being the obedient daughter because I want more for me and for my children.
I want my children, now young adults, to make choices based on the fact that they WANT to not because they SHOULD. I want them to be independent decision makers. The SHOULD cycle stops now.
So now when I am faced with a choice, I ask myself, “Am I doing this because I SHOULD do it (to meet someone else’s expectations) or do I WANT to do it(my choice)?” That question alone often stops me in my tracks and helps me refocus…from having a snack (should I eat this because it is lunch time(expected) or am I really hungry(I want it)?) to starting a business (should I do this because she wants me as a business partner or do I want to be a business owner?)
Taking back my WANT and putting away my SHOULD has been one of the biggest changes that has helped me move forward in my life.
Are you SHOULDing all over yourself? Is it time to clean up the SHOULD and take back the WANT? Together we can move forward with less SHOULD and more WANT!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forewardisapace

Fine

Kristine Binder

Yes, those are scars from when a trash can full of sandbags fell on my leg, but that is another story for another day.

“Um….are you ok?”
“Yes….thanks….I’m fine”
That is how the conversation with a the harbormaster went that afternoon.
“Mom….are you ok…..”
“Yes, honey…..I’m fine…..”
That was how the conversation with my 11 year old son went later than day.
“Is there anything else I can do for you? Are you ok?”
“I’m fine thanks….”
That is how the conversation went with the waitress later that evening.
I was fine….really I was sooooo fine.
I had been fine for over 20 years. Just fine. However, on that day….6 years ago, I decided that I didn’t want to be “fine” anymore. I deserved better and so did my kids.
That day was the first time that he screamed at me in public, called me stupid, worthless and a dumb bitch, because I could not back up the jet ski trailer next to the dock. Have you ever tried to backup an old school Suburban with a ‘rack’ (trailer) attached into the water….and you can’t SEE the rack? Yea…..easier to thread a needle on a rollercoaster! I was doing my best but it was not good enough, nor fast enough. Every one of the 4 docks was filled with people and he was screaming at me…..in front of them all….but more importantly, in front of our son. He had berated, teased and yelled at me for years but this was the first time around people other than our family and if I could have crawled deep into a hole, I would have. I was mortified.
The harbor master came to see if we ….I …..needed help. I was fine.
While my wasband secured the jet ski that was finally out of the water, my son sheepishly asked if I was ok. I was fine.
We went to dinner before heading home. After the wasband threw a fit because we could not sit in the bar area due to the fact that our son was under 21, we sat down and ordered. Nothing was good enough and the server steered clear of our table. When she brought the check, she looked me right in the eyes and asked if I was ok. I was fine.
But I was soooo far from fine. I was done.
I was done but I was not strong enough to really be done. That would take several more months….ok several years. I knew something was going on and I needed to figure out if it was me or him.
6 years, a messy divorce, and LOTS of therapy later, here I am. It is not lost on me that the photo above came up on my timehop yesterday….the same day that I became a Certified Professional Life Coach. So much have changed in those 6 years. I am now a badass at boundaries, I am stronger than I ever dreamed possible, and I am so much better than FINE.
My goal has always been to help others, especially women, live their best life….no one should live the life I lived. No one should be abused. No one should be treated as “less than.” No one should ever be just “fine.”
Are you “fine”? Do you want more for yourself and your life than ‘fine’? You deserve better! You deserve to live the life of your dreams! Reach out and connect. I am here to help.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

COACH

Kristine Binder

I did it! I did it!
Weeks and weeks of work.
Studying and reading.
Self reflection and soul searching.
Learning and growing.
This was really an investment in myself and my future that I intend to cultivate and multiple by working with others!
I have worked hard to get certified as a professional life coach, happiness coach and life purpose coach. I am hoping to add additional certifications but for now, this is a giant leap towards my goals.
Let’s work together to Move Forward!
Schedule your free introductory session here….
https://tutulady.org/coaching/
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Disconnect

Kristine Binder

Disconnection. You ever feel like you need to disconnect? You know….unplug and reset? I am am strong and have been for a long time but sometimes I get weary. I get tired of being strong. I get tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
We only have so much emotional bandwidth and it is all been used up….there is no more space. Other emotions that need access are getting an error message. The server can not process any more emotions as it has reached its bandwidth usage limit. The whole system is slowing down.
I have days like this, more during this time of quarantine, than even before. I ride the emotional waves but lately I have found that some days I can not handle any more input. I am on overwhelm. The constant consumption of information and comparison to others. The fleeting images and superficial comments. The criticism, negativity and judgements. It starts to eat away at the core of who I am. As an empath, I take it all personally and want to fix it all. I want everyone to be friends and help one another. Well, that is not reality. Everyone’s reality is different. Everyone carries different baggage.
We all need time to rest and recharge. Time to unplug and reset. So for today, if you are feeling that system slow down, take the time to recharge. Unplug and reset the system. Allow yourself the disconnect from everything and everyone for a bit and focus on yourself. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.
You are are strong. You deserve rest. The world will still be here when you return, renewed and refreshed. You are worth it.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Release

Kristine Binder

Parenting….it is not easy at any age. It is certainly not for sissies, that’s for sure. I honestly thought it would get easier but I was so wrong.
When you become a parent, each kid comes with the ball of clay that I call the “problem ball”. When they are infants and toddlers that ball forms the shape of hunger, dirty diapers and helplessness. As kids age, the “problem ball” stays the same size, it just changes shape. Frustration, seeking independence, bullies, friends, school……they all take turns shaping that “problem ball” but it never gets bigger or smaller.
Kids become teenagers and teenagers become young adults….all the while reshaping that “problem ball” and all the while that ball remains the same size….it just nevers gets smaller or goes away.
When our kids are born, we parents have hopes and dream for them….but what we begin to realize is that those are OUR hopes and dream NOT theirs. They may or may not even know they have their own! As our kids get older, they may slip and fall. They might make mistakes…….ok honestly…mistakes are a given! And while we feel the need to constantly protect them, we can’t. At some point we need to let go. We need to release them into the world. We need to allow them the space to make those mistakes and fall…..just like we did when they were learning to walk. We need to allow them to learn from those missteps and be a safe, nonjudgmental place to recover from the fall. This is often difficult because we feel the need to protect our kids. But are we protecting them or handicapping them? Are we creating a generation of kids who are insecure of their own abilities because they have never been given them opportunity to recover on their own from a mistake? Are we forcing our kids down the ‘high school/college/grad school/marriage/kids” path because WE think it is right for them or it is because it is what they want? Do they know what they want? Are we smothering them into constant dependency? Are we more concerned with our kids liking us/being our friends or helping them become adults?
I often say I feel guilty for not doing more to protect my children from the abuse in our home. When I voice these feelings to them, they reassure that I did the best I could with what I had at the time and now I do better. They are stronger humans than I could ever have imagined. The path each has taken is not what I hoped and dreamed for any of them but it is they path each has taken on their own. They have created their future. I have created a nest for each of them to return to when they are ready, they want it or they need it….no questions asked.
As a mom, I feel blessed that they grant me grace and allow me to be a passenger on their journey of life, but mostly, my heart swells with pride for each one of them as they are good humans.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace