Tag: divorce

Advice

Kristine Binder

Advice. We give it and we get a LOT of it…especially when it comes to parenting. Moms get so much advice from the moment they disclose they are in the process of becoming a parent. No matter how a women chooses to become a mother, there is plenty of advice(and criticism) to be given. As children grow, so does the amount or advice…and criticism.
Over 5 years ago, I chose to leave a toxic, abusive marriage. It was a horrible process during which I lost my way many times and almost lost my kids. I was grasping at straws, fighting tooth and nail to hold on to my sanity as well as my kids. In the midst of it all, I received one of the wisest pieces of advice, one I will live by for the rest of my life, from the most unlikely source….the court appointed child representative for my kids, Beth McCormack.
“Just be their mom……”
she said and continued, “They know you love them but they are hurting too…..just be their mom and keep loving them…..”
She repeated, “Just be their mom…” many times through the course of my very messy divorce. At first it frustrated me when she would say it because I was so angry and confused. I thought I was being their mom. I thought I was loving them. And I was….but I could not see it. I wanted her to tell me exactly what to do…..and she was. But I did not realize it.
“Just be their mom……”
I may not have always been the best mom, the mom my kids wanted or the mom my kids needed but I have, and will always, love them. What I needed was help to refocus and trust myself.
“Just be their mom……”
As moms we really do know our children best. I have often spoken to women over the years about trusting the “mom gut.” Trusting that intuition takes strength and support. Moms are often overwhelmed and afraid. We worry about the criticism and judgment of others when what we need to focus on is our children.
“Just be their mom……”
When we mother, and not smother, we love our kids. When we mother, creating reasonable boundaries, we love our kids. When we mother, setting individual expectations, we love our kids. When we mother, creating opportunities for failures, consequences, successes and celebrations, we love our kids. When we mother, accepting each as a unique human, we love our kids. When we mother, trusting our own intuition and gut, we love our kids.
“Just be their mom……”
Now, more than ever, women need each other. We are all struggling in one way or another. Women, in general, have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Moms are making choices that are right their family and already doubt themselves enough. We need to lift each other up, help and support one another rather than criticize each other for the difficult choices we are having to make. So when another mom asks you what to do, respond with the best advice ever……
“Just be their mom……”
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Elephants

Kristine Binder
David Yarrow Photography

A few years ago I read a story shared by Jen Hatmaker and Nicole Nordeman. It was a story of female elephants. When I read it at that time, I thought, “Huh….that sure is interesting. I am so glad she has a tribe like that.” And moved on with my life.
This past week, Jen made the announcement that she and her husband were getting divorced, thus the story surfaced again. This time when I read the story, it really got me thinking about women, support and how we show it.
In summary, female elephants are amazing badass creatures. In the wild, female elephants travel in packs. When a female elephant is giving birth, she is surrounded by a tribe of female elephants. They back in, closing in so tightly around her that she can’t be seen. They stomp and kick up dirt in order to fiercely protect her. The females surround the mama and incoming baby in protection, sending a clear signal to predators that if they want to attack their friend while she is vulnerable, they’ll have to get through tons of female aggression first. Female elephants only take this formation while under attack by predators, or during the birth of a new elephant.
Since Jen’s announcement of her impending divorce, the women that follow her have closed ranks around her. Hundreds of people have sent messages of love and support to this woman. So I thought, what if that happened to all women? What if, when a woman announced something such as a divorce or difficult life change, we surrounded her with love and support instead of pity and judgement? What if, rather than gossiping about the why of it all, we discuss ways we can assist her? What if, rather than asking questions, we listen….better yet…just sit with each other in the discomfort of it all?
We women all have our own insecurities and worries that often get the better of us. However, instead of playing into the stereotypical drama that so many expect, why not be more supportive of one another? We should be celebrating the success of other women, and helping to carry their load when it becomes too heavy to carry alone. We need to commit to one another that when things get tough, that we will circle up to protect each other. There is enough love, success, and prosperity for all of us.  Every woman needs female friendships. Every woman needs women she can depend on and be vulnerable with. Let’s be women who love, protect and encourage other women keeping our eyes and hearts open for women who need us. Let’s protect and support one another following the example of the badass female elephants.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Peace

Kristine Binder

Peace. It is a word that means a great deal to me. There are lots things in my home with that word. I have many pieces of peace sign jewelry. I have shoes with peace signs on them. I sign my emails and blog posts with “Peace.”
I always thought I loved the word Peace because I am a hippy at heart. I love all things 60’s and 70’s, especially the music and fashion. I truly think Stevie Nicks is my spirit animal. While all that is true, it is not really why I love that word and all that it embodies. I realize now that peace has been my end goal….it is what I have been looking for in my life.
During my marriage, my life was chaos. I mean, having multiple kids all going different directions and a wasband that was rarely home, chaos was a given. Or so I thought. The times the family was all together, things were no better…..they were often worse. I failed to realize at the time that I was constantly walking on eggshells, as were my kids.
Do not get me wrong, there were many fun, good times but, what I realized after my divorce, was the true cost of those fun and good times. Family activities were enjoyable but there was always a great deal of drama involved. Family dinners had a great deal of laughs, until things went too far with someone always leaving the table crying. Homework and school activities were all my responsibility (I mean I was a teacher, right?). I made excuses so regularly, it became the norm. I was always going places on my own with the kids…so much so that people joked about my invisible partner.
I felt like a ballerina because I spent so much time tip toeing around all the moods. I was constantly on alert, and constantly trying to shield my kids from the next mood swing. It was exhausting. Living in a state of hyper vigilance takes a toll on the mind and body and I was falling apart. All the while I leaned on that word….Peace.
I just wanted peace. So, I started running. I ran for miles and miles looking for peace. Running was my time to quiet the voices in my head and physically exhaust my body to the same level as my brain. Recently, I was lamenting about not training for the marathon this year and a friend pointed out that I no longer needed to train for or run the marathon. I had used marathon training as an escape, trying to find a place of peace in my life. I had finally crossed the finish line with my divorce and the race was over.
I have now retired the toe shoes and tossed the eggshells. I walk, and run, with new purpose. I stand on my own two feet that are firmly planted on the ground. I breathe deep, inhaling the present and exhaling the past. I look forward and move forward from a place of peace. My life, my head and my heart are finally at peace.
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Dare

Kristine Binder

“It all started with a dare. Now she wears a pink tutu whenever she runs a marathon. Listen as teacher and life coach Kristine Binder (#tutulady) talks about dealing with anxiety, depression and divorce to inspire girls and women to run the marathon of life.”
Show notes from episode #16 of the Dream Highway podcast

In this episode of the Dream Highway Podcast, host Steve Pedersen and I discuss running, coaching, the LGBTQIA+ community, Girls on the Run and my book, The Lemonade Stand. We talk about faith, acceptance, belonging, shame, vulnerability, as well as dreams and goal setting.
Tune In to learn where we find strength, grace and peace in our current climate that contains so much negativity and division! Be sure to listen and leave a comment!
Available where ever you listen to podcasts!
http://bit.ly/DreamHighwayPodcast

Negative

Kristine Binder

“I’m too old” “I’m too young” “I’m not smart enough” “I’m so stupid” “I’m too fat” “I’m too skinny” “I can’t do it” “They don’t like me” “I’m not perfect” “I talk too much” “I’m shy” “I hate my hair/teeth/voice/body” “I’m not worth it” “I am such a loser”
Negative self talk. We all do it. The list mean things we say to ourselves is endless. These are things we would never say to a friend, much less a stranger, yet we say them to our selves constantly.
People tell me “You are so strong!” “How did you get so strong?” Well ….the hard way! When you are in an abusive relationship, bruises heal and fade away. However, the words that are said, the insults that are hurled at 100 miles per hour, the underhanded comments that are said just loud enough for you to hear but not loud enough for others, the gaslighting, that all takes a serious toll on your mental health and self esteem.
So, how did I get so strong? It was not easy. Therapy was the first line of defense. Being vulnerable to open up, owning my weaknesses and mistakes was work. Unpacking years of emotional baggage was work. Changing destructive patterns of behavior was work. It was all hard work.
One of the most difficult pieces to address was untangling the web of lies and unwrapping the person I had hidden away. The verbal reel of negative and patronizing comments, put downs,  insults and insecurity played over and over in my head until I learned to reframe it and play a different tape. That took work.
Part of that work was creating a new soundtrack. This new reel needed to be filled with positives and encouragement. Thus started my practice of affirmations. I did not think it would work but I was willing to try anything. I had coached my Girls on the Run to encourage each other with positive words. We threw our Negative Nellie words in the trash, figuratively and in reality. Now it was my turn to practice what I was preaching. I wrote all the negative words and statements about myself i could think of and then tossed it in the trash. Gone!
I wrote a new affirmation for myself each week. I set it as a reminder on my phone and wrote in on post it notes. I repeated it multiple times a day. It was silly but I had to try. It sounds like it was easy….nope….it was WORK. I did not want to do it some days (more days than not!) but I repeated the affirmation over and over each week.
Slowly but surely, things started to change. I was listening to myself. I was hearing what I was saying to myself. I was creating a new soundtrack. I began to catch myself when I started saying something negative and reframing that to a positive….”I can’t do that” became “I can’t do that …yet.” “I’m too old” became “I have more experience than other people. “I talk too much” became “I have a lot to share”
There are days I still struggle but I lean on my affirmations. They held me resent and realign to my values each day. They remind me that I am worth it and that being positive is a practice that is work each day.
What are you telling yourself? Are you cutting yourself down or building yourself up? Are you disparaging yourself or encouraging yourself? You are your own worst critic and your own best cheerleader. The choice is yours but no matter what you choose, it is going to be work!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace