Tag: narcissistic abuse

Cost

Kristine Binder

Money. The cost of things. budgets. Math. Numbers. Money. Money. Money. Cost. Cost. Cost.
Money has always been my kryptonite. Money causes me more anxiety than anything else in my life. Money has been used as a means of control and ‘forced’ love for as long as I can remember. The cost of things in my life has always been high.
I learned as a young kid that nothing was free. Even gifts came with strings attached. As I grew older, I thought I outgrew it as I became more independent…. I was wrong. The connection between love and money just became more entangled and more complex.
Throughout my marriage, my insecurity with money was exploited until it was no longer an insecurity, it was a disability.
I was told over and over that I was “bad with numbers” “horrible with budgets” “didn’t know basic math” “bad with money” until I believed it to my core. For over 20 years, I turned over my paycheck every month to my family and lived on $100 a week to feed my kids and me. When the utilities were disconnected, time and time again, I was told (and I believed) that it was because I was spending all the money and we were, in fact, broke. This was not the truth.
When I had my first meeting with a divorce attorney, I explained my financial situation. The look he gave me is seared into my memory. Then he said….”You work full time. You have money that is yours. You are not broke. You are in a financially abusive marriage.” I will never forget that moment. It was then I realized that my marriage was costing me more than money. It was costing me my sanity.
The days, months and years that followed that moment have cost me so much more than money. DO NOT get me wrong….Divorce is NOT cheap nor easy. However, it is WORTH IT! The additional, ancillary costs are what people do not count on nor realize until later.
My divorce has cost me dearly over the years. It has cost me my children. My children have been hurt deeply by the divorce and me….because I could not be the mom they needed or deserved for a while. It has cost me friendships and relationships. Friendships and relationships that I realized were not built to withstand something as devastating as divorce. It has cost me jobs. Jobs that I realized were not meant for a lifetime but meant as a stepping stone to something better. It has cost me my sanity and patience at times. My sanity and patience have been tested over and over during this process leading me to be more self aware, self confident and tolerant of myself and others.
While the past few years have cost me a great deal, they have also given me so much. I have gained so many things in this process. I have gained new, and stronger, friendships that I know can withstand any storm. I have gained newfound confidence in myself and my abilities. I have gained new, more adult, relationships with my kids. I have gained the realization that I always knew math, I just needed a deeper understanding of finances and financial literacy…something that no one ever teaches you. I have gained the knowledge that independence is priceless and it is something I will never again give away freely.
My new life cost me so much. It cost me my old life with interest. However, each day I am thankful I made that investment. I made an investment in me because I realized I was worth considerably more and deserved far better than how I was being treated and where I was…in a miserable, abusive marriage. The benefits from that investment far outweigh the costs. Each day that investment pays off in spades!
How much do you value of your life? What investment are you willing to make? What are you waiting for? Invest in yourself….it is an investment that ALWAYS pays off! You are WORTH IT!
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Divorcery

Kristine Binder
This was taken outside the courthouse
August 9, 2017

Emancipation Day
Independence Day
Liberation Day
Release Day
Got My Name Back Day
Freedom Day
Today is the 3rd anniversary of my divorce. Getting to this point cost me 25 years of my life and thousands of dollars however the emotional toll it took on me and my kids cost the most. Therefore, I honor the journey!
With each year that passes, I can see more clearly that this day is truly a day to celebrate. It is the day I took my life back. It is the day I decided I wanted more. It is the day I took my name and my life back.
The first year was hard. It was difficult to have faith in myself and my abilities. The constant fighting of the previous 2 years during the divorce had consumed me. That had overflowed into all parts of my life. I could feel the overwhelm and began to see it in my friends and family too. They were tired FOR me. The final ruling from the judge was like a sigh of relief….for all of us.
It was then on me to find my way forward.
Year 2 was so much better. I was finding my way and getting stronger with each passing day. I was discovering who I was at this point in my life and creating my new identity. It was like peeling the layers of an onion. With each victory and each setback I was learning and I was moving in the right direction.
I was finding my way forward.
Year 3 was one of the best yet! I have made so many gains and realized dreams that I never thought possible….a best selling book, a job I love, becoming a Certified Professional Life Coach, public speaking, emotional and financial stability…. the list goes on and on. I feel that I am becoming the woman I was always meant to be.
I am finding my way forward.
So today, just like each year on this day, I remember the courage it took to free myself. I remember how hard I fought to save my family. I remember how hard I fought to save myself and create a better life for my children. I remember the mistakes I made and all the lessons I learned in the process. Instead of focusing on the pain, I find comfort in the good times and growth. I know, deep in my soul, that I am stronger and capable of so much more than I ever imagined. I am moving forward, focused on the future.
I am courageous. I am brave. I am empowered. I am free. I am ME!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace



Should

Kristine Binder


I SHOULD go to college.
I SHOULD move home.
I SHOULD take the job.
I SHOULD date the guy.
I SHOULD get married.
I have been ‘Shoulding” all over myself for years. I bought the message that I SHOULD do what others wanted me to do in order to make THEM happy. I stayed in my lane and did what was expected. My way of thinking I was being a rebel was instead of going to the Big 10 school, I went to the small Catholic College. Instead of moving home for long, I moved into an apartment I could not afford. Instead of taking the job with a public school, I went for the Catholic school that paid nothing. Instead of dating the guys that were stable, I chose the “bad boys” that paid attention to me. Instead of seeing the red flags right in front of me, I ignored them and married the man waving those flags. During my divorce, I SHOULD myself into making decisions I never would have made had I listened to and trusted myself.
I SHOULD myself into so many corners in my life to make others happy and gain their approval.
So I made a choice to stop.
I cleaned up the SHOULD and put it away.
I realized that once I stopped “SHOULDing” on myself, once I started trusting myself, I was happier. I was more fulfilled. It is not easy and it is often scary to trust myself. Honestly, things do not always go as planned and often go wrong but the blame for that lands solely on me.
I also realized that I was “SHOULDing” on my kids. I see them making what appear to me to be mistakes, but I have to allow them the freedom to make those choices and see what happens. Glennon Doyle write in her book Untamed, “A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter.“
I want to be a responsible parent and that means I have to stop SHOULDing on myself to make others happy. I need to stop being the obedient daughter because I want more for me and for my children.
I want my children, now young adults, to make choices based on the fact that they WANT to not because they SHOULD. I want them to be independent decision makers. The SHOULD cycle stops now.
So now when I am faced with a choice, I ask myself, “Am I doing this because I SHOULD do it (to meet someone else’s expectations) or do I WANT to do it(my choice)?” That question alone often stops me in my tracks and helps me refocus…from having a snack (should I eat this because it is lunch time(expected) or am I really hungry(I want it)?) to starting a business (should I do this because she wants me as a business partner or do I want to be a business owner?)
Taking back my WANT and putting away my SHOULD has been one of the biggest changes that has helped me move forward in my life.
Are you SHOULDing all over yourself? Is it time to clean up the SHOULD and take back the WANT? Together we can move forward with less SHOULD and more WANT!
Peace,
#tutulady
#forewardisapace

Fine

Kristine Binder

Yes, those are scars from when a trash can full of sandbags fell on my leg, but that is another story for another day.

“Um….are you ok?”
“Yes….thanks….I’m fine”
That is how the conversation with a the harbormaster went that afternoon.
“Mom….are you ok…..”
“Yes, honey…..I’m fine…..”
That was how the conversation with my 11 year old son went later than day.
“Is there anything else I can do for you? Are you ok?”
“I’m fine thanks….”
That is how the conversation went with the waitress later that evening.
I was fine….really I was sooooo fine.
I had been fine for over 20 years. Just fine. However, on that day….6 years ago, I decided that I didn’t want to be “fine” anymore. I deserved better and so did my kids.
That day was the first time that he screamed at me in public, called me stupid, worthless and a dumb bitch, because I could not back up the jet ski trailer next to the dock. Have you ever tried to backup an old school Suburban with a ‘rack’ (trailer) attached into the water….and you can’t SEE the rack? Yea…..easier to thread a needle on a rollercoaster! I was doing my best but it was not good enough, nor fast enough. Every one of the 4 docks was filled with people and he was screaming at me…..in front of them all….but more importantly, in front of our son. He had berated, teased and yelled at me for years but this was the first time around people other than our family and if I could have crawled deep into a hole, I would have. I was mortified.
The harbor master came to see if we ….I …..needed help. I was fine.
While my wasband secured the jet ski that was finally out of the water, my son sheepishly asked if I was ok. I was fine.
We went to dinner before heading home. After the wasband threw a fit because we could not sit in the bar area due to the fact that our son was under 21, we sat down and ordered. Nothing was good enough and the server steered clear of our table. When she brought the check, she looked me right in the eyes and asked if I was ok. I was fine.
But I was soooo far from fine. I was done.
I was done but I was not strong enough to really be done. That would take several more months….ok several years. I knew something was going on and I needed to figure out if it was me or him.
6 years, a messy divorce, and LOTS of therapy later, here I am. It is not lost on me that the photo above came up on my timehop yesterday….the same day that I became a Certified Professional Life Coach. So much have changed in those 6 years. I am now a badass at boundaries, I am stronger than I ever dreamed possible, and I am so much better than FINE.
My goal has always been to help others, especially women, live their best life….no one should live the life I lived. No one should be abused. No one should be treated as “less than.” No one should ever be just “fine.”
Are you “fine”? Do you want more for yourself and your life than ‘fine’? You deserve better! You deserve to live the life of your dreams! Reach out and connect. I am here to help.
Peace,
#tutulady
#forwardisapace