Tag: divorce

Fractured

Kristine Binder

Fractured means broken; damaged in a sudden or violent way. That is a perfect description of how I currently feel.
This week I took a tumble. I was standing on the high back of a chair to reach a 7 foot shelf. I lost my balance and fell to the ground from about 4 feet in the air. It was not pretty and I knew I hurt myself the minute it happened. I was trying to do to much and declined an offer of help which led to this fall.
I drove myself to the IBJI immediate care and was told that my wrist was, in fact fractured. The Dr. that diagnosed the injury(a man that appeared older than me) gave me a pity look and said, “accidents happen…especially to older women….” He continued to talk, making me feel like a feeble old lady. He failed to grasp that this could very well have happened to him if he had fallen from the same height. He was in the room for all of 10 minutes and laughed as he left. I was so stunned, and still in shock, that I failed to ask questions. I was fitted for a brace and still had questions. The PT did not feel comfortable answering some of those questions so I had to return to the Drs office to meet with his PA in order to ask vital questions (pain relief, activity level, cautions, follow up, etc).
I went home feeling really depressed and overwhelmed. Well wishes, and offers to help were many. I responded as expected of me….”I am fine.” “It is just a small thing.” “It is a speed bump….a reminder to slow down and ask for help.” “Its ok…just glad it is not worse.” But I was not fine. I am not fine. I am sad. I am angry. I am depressed. I am getting older and that scares the hell out of me.
I am angry that a Dr. minimized my injury and blamed early onset menopause for the fact that I was injured. Why? I am an older woman. Has he seen my other medical charts? Does he know my overall health history and know when I started menopause or did he make an assumption based on face value? What does he know about menopause as a MALE orthopedic Dr.? He did not even ask for details as to how I was injured. He just made assumptions. The way he spoke to me made me feel far less intelligent than I am. That is infuriating!
I arrived home and resumed life as normal, responding to messages and laughing about my fate….all while falling apart inside.
I am being transparent about my struggles not for pity but in the hope that others will do the same. We say to ‘check on our happy friends” and that is hitting home for me in a very real way. I am always the strong one, the one that doesn’t need help, thus vulnerability is not in my wheelhouse. In this moment I am beating myself up for my stupidity and brazen lack of safety. I am mad at myself for not advocating for myself in a better way with medical staff. I am sad that I had to deal with not only this injury for 4 weeks, but the rehab and pain that is sure to follow. I am sad that I have, once again, been confronted with aging and the limitations of my physical body. I am frustrated that I can not do the things I had planned for the remainder of my break, nor in the upcoming weeks and probably have to make other lifestyle changes for a while.
Is this just a speed bump, a reminder to slow down, ask for help and advocate for myself more often? Yes. In my rational mind I know this, however, past trauma and C-PTSD rears its ugly head at any opportunity possible in my life. And these past 2 days have been very difficult. I fight to diminish my anxiety and the negative self talk that fills my head. I struggle to find ways to rest and quiet the negative noise. I am working to find the compassion and understanding for myself that I so often offer others…which it is no easy task. I am really hard on myself every day but in times like this? I go above and beyond!
My motto in running and life is #forwardisapace, thus I take this day, and every day, one step at a time…..even if that is a baby step wrapped in bubble wrap! I have a great therapist who offers practical advice (I just have to implement it!). I have the gift of a few more days of winter break to rest. I have medical insurance. I have people who love me and check on me. I am blessed and never take any of those blessings for granted!
Right now I am be fractured, broken and damaged, but I will make it through today (and every day after that)and call that a win! I might be down right now, but NEVER count me out!
Check on your strong friends.
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Questions

Kristine Binder

As we end 2022 (a number I LOVE for obvious reasons!), it is time to reflect. Reflection is good as it prepares us to look forward heading into the new year. Below are some reflection questions that I will be answering in the next 2 days. I would love your thoughts on any one of these questions or all of them.

What is one challenge that you’ve overcome this year?
What accomplishment are you most proud of this year?
What’s the best book you read this year?
What’s the best podcast you listened to this year?
What made you the happiest this year?
Who’s the person you couldn’t have gotten through this year without?
What is one goal you have for the new year?
What are you most fearful of/nervous about in the coming year?
What are you most looking forward to in the new year?
What word or phrase will you take into the new year with you?

I look forward to reading your responses and the venturing into the new year with you all!

Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Clarity

Kristine Binder

“Because the truth is, even when divorce is literally the best thing, when it gives you back to yourself, when it returns you to your highest space and delivers you to the second half of your life, whole and healthy and good…..even then, divorce is traumatizing. It just tears some things apart that we’ve spent our adult life building and putting together. And it affects so many people.”
“You’re struggling in any way in your marriage, whether you’re admitting it or not, is a profound loneliness.”
“I created a version of our marriage in my own mind and convinced myself it was enough.”
This podcast episode is everything!
Like Jen Hatmaker, I chose my steady stable marriage over what was true. I was a master shapeshifter, human spotlight and clean up crew for over 20 years and even after I was divorced. The shame too much for me to bear. I made myself smaller and smaller until I didn’t recognize myself. Over time, my people pulled away and I could not understand why. It was not until years into my divorce process that my people had the courage to tell me they pulled back because they didn’t know me anymore and had no clue how to help me. I don’t fault them. Back then, I didn’t know how to help myself either and I would not have had the bandwidth to accept the truth and the help.
I’ve said before that women don’t like to talk about the difficulties in marriage, however Jen breaks down the reasons (and the shame that surrounds it all) so eloquently. She also gives voice to the power of connection. When we are vulnerable, honest and true to ourselves, we allow others to connect and share space with us in a nonjudgmental way.
It has taken me years, lots of therapy and work on myself to find my way through this dark tunnel but the light I have found on the other side is so bright and beautiful!
Listen to the whole episode here!
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

2s-day

Kristine Binder

Today is 2-22-22.
It is such a magical number and an even more magical day!
It falls on a Tuesday!
It is a palindrome date (same backwards and forwards).
And I am the #tutulady!
The number 2 is an angel number (Angel numbers are recurring sequences of numbers that have spiritual significance, according to numerology). The number 2 represents balance in nature as all life is about balance. The number 2 also represents opposites such as left and right and up and down. When we are balanced, we are in harmony with life. Seeing the number 2 repeating is a gentle reminder that I need to work on balancing some aspects of my life. I mean wearing a tutu and running/dancing is all about balance!
The number 2 is the most feminine of all the numbers, and its vibration resonates with the vibration of joy, balance and peace. It relates to the desire for love, health, harmony and happiness within all relationships. People who see this number regularly are authentic, artistic, creative, tolerant, emotional, highly sensitive, loyal, devoted and intuitive.
2-2 is my angel number. I see the number 2 a great deal. I need things in pairs or even numbers in my home and in my life because I crave balance. Anyone who knows me knows I surrounds myself with the word peace and symbols of peace! And joy? Have you met me? I live my life from a place of constant joy!!!
This special 2-22-22 Tuesday is one that will not appear again for a long time, thus we need to make the most of it! As it is a day of balance, peace, and joy, let’s make the most of it!
Make a list of 22 things that bring you joy! The items on the list can be grand or minuscule….just put them on the list! They will be powerful reminders to look for joy today and every day.
Then make a second list of 22 people that bring you joy. Take a moment today to reach out to each one of those people with an email/call/text and thank them for bringing you joy!
Let’s celebrate the number 2-22-22 today by sharing peace and JOY!
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace