Tag: she leaves a little sparkle

Stop

Kristine Binder

I used to be really embarrassed about telling people that I was divorced. I used to be mortified to walk around my community. Why? My wasband chose himself and infidelity over our family. 
But then I stopped giving a shit.
Unless you have been cheated on, you have no idea what it is like to trust again.  Unless you have been abused, you have no idea what it is to deal with that kind of trauma. Unless you’ve been divorced,  you have no idea what goes into making a decision like divorce.
No one just wakes up and decides to get a divorce for no reason…especially when kids are involved.  Divorces are really, really hard.  Your whole life gets flipped upside down and you have to start all over again. 
Let’s be real, no good marriage ends in divorce.
I tried….for years. I tried everything to make it work but then I realized I was the only one doing the work. I was the only one changing. I was the only one being faithful. I was the only one being abused. I was also the one showing my kids what to expect from marriage.
So I made a decision to save myself and my kids. I stopped feeling embarrassed or guilty and so should you.  
I realized that the people who are passing judgement have no idea how hard it was for any one to have to make the decision to divorce. They have  no idea how much work gets put into the marriage to try to make it work before coming to the conclusion that divorce is the only option. They have no idea how difficult it is to deal with lawyers, courts and the legal system. They have no idea the financial and emotional toll that divorce takes on the entire family.
Not everyone is going to understand your divorce.  Not everyone’s going to agree with your divorce. It would be amazing if family and friends supported us and our choices.  It would be awesome if people kept their opinions to themselves. However, sometimes those things are just not possible.
People are going to be judgmental regardless. So let them judge! 
That is on them and not you or me.
I stopped giving a shit…and so should you.
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Kids

Kristine Binder

These kids.
My kids.
They have been though a lot as individuals and together.
They are the cause of my grey hair, my tears and my laugh lines.
They are the source of my pride and the origin of my insanity!
They build each other up more than they tear each other down.
They may be at different ages and stages of life, but watching them share space as they grow and mature fills up my momma heart.
I find peace in the fact that long after I am gone, they will still have each other….. and the memories of our times together.
I have, and always will be, their Kristine (mom)… whether they like it or not…. they can work that out in therapy!
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Broken

Kristine Binder

On January 18 I turned 55. 
What did I get for my birthday?
I got…
An off leash dog
A missed curb
A wipeout
A drive to the ER
1/2 a narco(my choice)
A hematoma block
A closed reduction
A splint 
An appointment with an orthopedic doctor 
An appointment for a minor surgery 
A covid test
An ekg
A full blood panel
Anesthesia 
K wires
Another splint 
More narco(which I chose not to take)
Gummies
The first dose of a Moderna Covid vaccine 
Another appointment with an orthopedic doctor 
A cast
And I’m not done yet….
I’ve had more medical care in the past few weeks than I have had in years. Do I like it? No. Am I grateful? Yes. 
Medical care and taking care of of myself was not seen as a priority during my marriage. Taking care of of my physical and mental health was seen as a selfish and weak expense that we could not afford. When I did visit the doctor, the bill was never paid and I could not go back so I stopped going all together. It was not worth the embarrassment. 
But now? Now I’m learning to take care of myself. Im learning that taking care of myself is worth every penny. I’m not self indulgent but I go to the doctor when I need it. I go to regular therapy appointments. I take care of this vessel that holds my heart. 
I’m learning… sometimes the hard way… to take care of myself. And it is so worth it. 
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Connection

Kristine Binder

2021 Pay-It-Forward:
The first five people to connect with me will receive from me, sometime within the calendar year, a handwritten note, perhaps with a gift attached. There will likely be no warning and it will happen whenever the mood strikes me.
Let’s all pay it forward this year!
🖊
Pay it forward!!
Let’s connect!! Peace, #tutulady #forwardisapace

Images

Kristine Binder

Visual representations of times, places, people. Images can be real, imagined or manufactured. Images capture a single moment in time but not the context. While we spend time looking sometimes enviously at others photos of holiday and other family celebrations, we know not the daily struggles behind those smiles. Every picture tells a story. Sometimes the story is one we tell ourselves and sometimes it is a fairy tale others want us to believe.
This years holiday gifts in my family were those of photos. My children were gifted photos of childhoods long gone and gifted me with photos of who they are now. Each photo carried a story that was told as we turned the pages of the books and our lives. Memories were shared and new ones created together.
As I sat alone at the end of the night in the glow of the Christmas tree, I scrolled social media. I looked at the images that family and friends had posted. I saw more than the surface in many of those photos. In some I could see strained smiles and sad eyes. In some I could see body language that most would not recognize unless they had lived similar lives. I looked at the often highly curated settings of many photos and saw what many would miss. Most people would just hit the ‘like’ button and keep scrolling but not me. Perhaps it is because in the past I had been the one posting those “impression management” photos to cover for the inadequacies, deep pain and heartache I felt. Perhaps it is because some of those posting the photos had privately shared their struggles with me or because I just knew the reality of their lives.
We all want others to believe that our lives are perfect and without strife or struggle. We see the ‘picture’ that others present and think “why not me?’ or “what is wrong with me?” We step into that place of lack…that feeling that we are somehow inadequate….that feeling that somehow we are not and do not have enough.
STOP THAT! STOP right now!
Life is real and messy and imperfect…and so are we. Which is why I shared the stories behind the photos my kids had in front of them. I shared joyful, happy memories as well as pain-filled moments as we looked at the photos. I owned moments of grief and anger as well as moments when my heart overflowed with love and pride for each/all of them.
The more that we are authentic and real with one another, the more grace we offer each other, the kinder we are……the more love is created. Accept yourself for who you are and love the person looking back at you in the mirror. Accept one another, and yourself, for who they are and love the person…not the image. Every picture tells a story…own your truth and tell your story.
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace