re·build rēˈbild/verb 1 .build (something) again after it has been damaged or destroyed.
In order to rebuild, there has to be something rebuild to begin with. Something that has been damaged. As the definition states, it is to build again after it has been damaged or destroyed. So what was damaged? That would be me. My children. My family. My faith. So much has been damaged that rebuilding will not be easy, nor will it be fast… but it will happen. I am starting to find my way. I have been collecting the tools I need for this project for a long time. It is finally time to put them all to use and build something stronger and better for the future. The telling of my story no longer makes me cry….at least not as much as it used to and for entirely different reasons now. Thus I know I am on the road to healing. I am ready to share this rebuilding process in the hopes that it will not only help me but help others as well. The journey will take twists and turns and the road may not always be without danger, potholes, and other nastiness but what is life without at least one wild roadtrip? So …here’s to soaring again….
In the June of 2015 I filed for divorce. That was the beginning of what would become a long, drawn out, high conflict divorce from an abusive narcissist. The divorce was final 2 years later on August 9, 2017. That was not the and and there are battles being fought but those battles are few and far between now. I digress. Prior to the divorce I was seeing a therapist. I continued to see her throughout the divorce and long afterwards. Those visits were, and still are, a sanity saver for me. She encouraged me to write it all down to hep me process my feelings. I kept a paper journal and still do. In 2016, about year into the process, she suggested a blog. Her suggestion was to keep it as a private blog until I was ready and strong enough to share my story. I needed to heal a lot more before I could open up to others. I recently got a notification that the blog was going to be archived. So I went back and read some of the entries. I was triggered all over….but in a different way. I no longer was overcome with fear and anxiety. I didn’t start to hyperventilate. I smiled. I realized that that woman no longer exists. I have come so far in my healing process that the trigger is pride. That is not an emotion I am used to or comfortable with in my life. But I am getting used to it! So, I decided that it is time to publish those blog entries and some of my journal entries. Why? I didn’t know what I know now and didn’t have anyone to talk to about what I was experiencing. I thought that what I was experiencing was ‘normal’. I thought I was alone. What I have come to realize is that my experience was not normal and I was not alone. It was just that no one wanted to talk about it. If even one person is inspired by my story and chooses a life of freedom, then it will have been worth it. The next few entries will be dated and posted exactly as I wrote them in 2016 Peace. #tutulady #forwardisapace
For Mother’s Day this year, my kids gave me a card and a gift. The card made me laugh and and gift had me feeling spoiled. The gift was a new purse. For some it might not seem like a big deal but the many layers of symbolism in this extravagant gift are not lost on me. When my kids were younger and acting silly, making me lose my mind, I would joke (sometimes not…) that I wanted to sell them to the circus. Why? They made my life a circus and I wanted some peace. They would have been perfect circus performers! My children grew up celebrating Mother’s Day focused on the other important women in their lives, not on me. As kids, they didn’t have money and were not given money to purchase gifts from a store for mom. I received handmade cards and gifts made in school that I treasure to this day. As my children have gotten older, they have developed an appreciation for the finer things in life, as well as the work it takes to afford those things. They all love a good quality designer handbag. Me? I go for a large utility carryall. The name on the tag doesn’t matter to me as much as how much stuff I can carry inside! I gave up small purses for a diaper bag over 20 years ago and never looked back! Now, in this new chapter of my life, my kids want me to continue to downsize my life …starting with my purse. They wanted a “fancier” one for when I go out. They want me to start living my best life. My kids and I have not always had the greatest relationships. We have struggled and strained, working hard, to get to the place where we are now. The fact that they all came together to purchase this gift and kept it a secret is amazing. The fact that they want to spoil me, buying me a gift that I would never buy for myself, is overwhelming. The fact that my kids put this much thought, effort and money into a gift for me has me feeling blessed beyond measure. These kids are my kids…. my monkeys ….and this is my circus…..I am the ringmaster. We all just needed some time to figure it out, appreciate it and decide what role we play. Each year, Mother’s Day is different for all of us. Take each day as it comes and focus on the good in each day. Your kids are watching, listening and learning, even if you don’t believe or see it. Just be their mom. And enjoy the fancy purse! Peace #tutulady #forwardisapace
6 years ago I attended a benefit event at the Drake Hotel for Girls on the Run. I would be presented with the Superstar Award for Outstanding Coach at the event. What I did not know is that it would be a night that would change my life forever….just as Girls on the Run has changed the lives of countless girls. Several weeks prior I had bought a dress on sale. The dress was a total splurge….even on sale for $30! At that time, I never bought things for myself much less a fancy dress! I was not allowed to spend money of “frivolous” things. I felt so good in that dress, so beautiful and powerful. That dress still hangs in my closet waiting to be worn again. I did my own hair and then my daughter and I drove into the city to Barney’s to visit one of my best friends. My friend is a makeup artist and had never done my makeup before, heck, I had never had anyone do my makeup before! When she was finished, I felt so beautiful! She also did makeup for my 16 year old daughter, who was my date for the evening. My daughter, who was my first girl on the run and the reason I started coaching the program. My daughter who deserved a fancy night out with her momma. We arrived at the Drake greeted by valet parking and cocktail hour. I felt so special….and out of place. I felt like I didn’t belong. I was instantly transported back to the grade school girl who never fit in and was always teased. The girl in high school that struggled with her looks and never felt like an “insider.” The college girl that drank to forget feeling left out. I took a deep breath and, like a gut punch, it hit me. I was everything I was teaching girls NOT to be…….. I was a woman married to an unfaithful, abusive man. I went to the bathroom to catch my breath and fix my makeup. I put on my new lipstick, plastered a smile on my face and headed in the the event to join my daughter. I was going to make the best of this night, celebrate Girls on the Run and this accomplishment. During the day and into the evening, my wasband was texting me. He anger and jealousy was palpable. I was not “effectively managing” my children by going out for the evening, leaving my oldest daughter (18 at the time)in charge. He had been invited but had refused to take the night off work. Seeing me get an award was just too much for him to handle. And, looking back, I am so grateful he was not there. My daughter and I had a wonderful dinner and I was able to teach her how a live auction works! She tried mightily to get me to bid on things that were well out of our price range but a girl can dream, right?! After the auction, it was time for the presentation of awards. When my name was called, I walked to the stage, feeling weak in the knees. I straightened my spine, smiled, and stepped up to accept the award, graciously thanking the presenter. As I walked back to my seat I made a decision. It was a decision that would change the course of my future and the future of my children. I made a choice to be done. I wanted out but didn’t know how to get out. I wanted to leave my marriage but didn’t know how or when it would happen. I was sad and lonely and in pain. I really was done. I wanted to find a way out and that night showed me that I needed to find a way. I could not preach self love and empowerment to others all while living a lie of abuse and self hate. I went through the motions in my marriage for a few more months. Soon enough, the lie I was living exploded. I mustered the courage to confront my wasband. I asked him to make a choice….our family and marriage or his “other life.” He wanted both. I knew that would never work so after a few weeks, I secretly met with a lawyer and filed for divorce. Don’t get me wrong, I did the “pick me” dance for weeks, begging him to give us a second chance. I waited up all night for him to come home night after night only for him to ignore me or fight with me when he finally arrived. His contempt and indifference was something I will never forget. He taunted me repeatedly with, “I will never agree to a divorce…”, “You will never go through with it….you don’t have the guts….”, “Shut up! You will wake the kids….” and “Think about others would you?! She has small kids! Keep your mouth shut….” Over and over…..night after night….until he was served. For years, every week I taught my Girls on the Run teams lessons in empowerment and self-esteem. What I failed to realize was that I was the one that needed those messages. I was the one that needed to learn to love myself and have confidence in myself. I needed to find the woman I had stuffed down deep inside me. I needed to be my own outstanding coach. We never know what will turn the tide in our life. We never know when we will be faced with a moment of truth. We never know what moment will be the defining tipping point. However, when that moment does arrive, we need to be brave enough to face an uncertain future and be prepared to ride the waves of change. We have it in us! We just need to dig deep and find it! We need to be our own SuperStar…..Our Own Outstanding Coach! Peace #tutulady #forwardisapace
I used to be really embarrassed about telling people that I was divorced. I used to be mortified to walk around my community. Why? My wasband chose himself and infidelity over our family. But then I stopped giving a shit. Unless you have been cheated on, you have no idea what it is like to trust again. Unless you have been abused, you have no idea what it is to deal with that kind of trauma. Unless you’ve been divorced, you have no idea what goes into making a decision like divorce. No one just wakes up and decides to get a divorce for no reason…especially when kids are involved. Divorces are really, really hard. Your whole life gets flipped upside down and you have to start all over again. Let’s be real, no good marriage ends in divorce. I tried….for years. I tried everything to make it work but then I realized I was the only one doing the work. I was the only one changing. I was the only one being faithful. I was the only one being abused. I was also the one showing my kids what to expect from marriage. So I made a decision to save myself and my kids. I stopped feeling embarrassed or guilty and so should you. I realized that the people who are passing judgement have no idea how hard it was for any one to have to make the decision to divorce. They have no idea how much work gets put into the marriage to try to make it work before coming to the conclusion that divorce is the only option. They have no idea how difficult it is to deal with lawyers, courts and the legal system. They have no idea the financial and emotional toll that divorce takes on the entire family. Not everyone is going to understand your divorce. Not everyone’s going to agree with your divorce. It would be amazing if family and friends supported us and our choices. It would be awesome if people kept their opinions to themselves. However, sometimes those things are just not possible. People are going to be judgmental regardless. So let them judge! That is on them and not you or me. I stopped giving a shit…and so should you. Peace. #tutulady #forwardisapace
Kristine Binder 